making peace, also- a celebration

I told Kim how that last thing made me feel.
In her defense, she did apologize. But she also told me that she has been seeing her ex on a regular basis. So there is that.

I sound dramatic on a daily basis, and this will be no different. So you have been warned.
All I can be from this point on is the best Father I can be to my Son.
I am doing all these cliche things that I know people will mock me for. I look at parents with their children, and i smile.
I see all these kids in different age groups, and I visualize how much cooler Graham is going to be.
I think of movies I like or songs I think are part of my soundtrack, and i can't wait to share them with him.
I need to meet him.
I need to look into his eyes and tell him that no matter what, I'm totally his. And I really need him to look right back into mine and do that thing babies do to tell their very nervous dad that they will forgive any screw up as long as they keep that promise of being there for them.

I loved Kim as best I could. I have faults out the wazoo, so there isn't any anger on my end.
but I am ready to stop lighting that candle in my window, hoping that she might change her mind and want to be a family. I'll just end up diving deeper and deeper into a place that will end with me being the worst person for graham to be around.
I know that at some point, I would realize that it isn't about me anymore. maybe it's now, maybe it is yet to come and I am just having a brief moment of clarity. I have no idea.
There is so much going on inside Brainpan Andy that I cannot keep a thought going for more than a few minutes.
Save for that one.
That being the best Dad I can be, come on, keep up...
Kim can be with who she wants, and I can do my Andy thing.

On a completely different note:

Today marks the 4th year of the Monday Night Comedy Show.
I should write more about it, but I teared up in writing my latest facebook post. I'd rather not go to sleep with crazy emotions running amok.
I'll just say this-
Work on something for 175 times. give it a few hours of thought each time you do it. Let people you care about help you with that something to make it great. Something people other than yourself care about. accept the fact that people you respect feel that your something is worth a damn, and they thank you for putting in the time to make it a thing to look forward to. Then call that something The Monday Night Comedy Show.
I'll be at my show tonight, giving a damn about the one thing I am good at- making people I care about laugh.


Cue music, and fade to the Stay Awesome...


Andy

Is this all you've got, God? It's me, Andy

Yo.

I have become a wicked lazy dude when it comes to blogging. I don't think anyone reads this one anyway. Not since I moved to that other site that I didn't even own.
And you know what that got me? A lot of posts that are completely lost now. Yay!

So if you read anything on that other site, Yesandy dot com, you were privy to info that is lost to the ages. I'm sure almost 10% of it was pretty good, too.

Well, now I have no documentation to prove I existed then.

Oh well. Onwards and moving forth and such.

Here is today's thingy:

I have been super responsible father of the child lately. It isn't big news, it's just something that i think is important. So I have been doing my part and showing Kim that I am worth a damn, but if you read this, you know that really doesn't mean anything.
We have good days and bad days.
And usually, I can just pass everything off as hormones or me not being a bleep on her radar.
Whatever, my life sucks, blah blah blah.
Today I took the bus to her house to pick up her car and get the tires replaced.
She hit a mondo pot hole a couple nights ago and blew out her back tire.
Messed up her rim too.
But I was just happy that she was safe and that the only bad thing that happened was her burrito got cold. (which she saw as the worst part of the night)
There is more to the story, but we need to get to todays drama, or it might expire.
I get to her house and she shows me a lot of neat things that one of her friends had given her for Graham. They were lovely. However everything is trumped by my Lindsey McDonald Dorsey, who purchased Graham the crib we registered for at Target. Seriously. That totally sets the bar pretty high for my family members, who I thought might get the bigger stuff. (But there is still that sweet transport crib and breast pump...)

So a HUGE thanks to Linds. Love you to the moon.

Where was I?
Oh yeah. I was at her house.
I entered her room and saw her nice big bed she got recently and noticed something that made my heart break.
We have matching framed pictures of Graham's first ultrasound. (I actually have 4 framed ultrasound pics all around my room)
Stuck in the frame's corner was a strip of photobooth pictures of Kim and her ex (guy before me.) One of those nice ones where you are having a good time and kissing and sticking your tongue out at each other. good times.
He's the guy who was abusive to her.
And maybe I shouldn't make this public. Maybe I should keep it all inside and explode over some tiny thing somewhere down the line. maybe i am an asshole to bring it up.
Perhaps I deserve everything that she has put me through in the last few months.

But you know what?

I don't fucking hit girls. or anyone I care about. And on a side note, I don't have any pictures of ex girlfriends on the ultrasound photo's of my unborn child. that isn't a choice I would make.

So that is something i am thinking about while I try to get some sleep. And I am sure it will seep into tomorrow.
I think I have an ulcer now, but am too poor to see a doctor to find out if it's just in my head.

On that note, if anyone has any work for me, I'll take it. Anything. I'll clean up puke if needed. i need some insurance for my son who is due in 10 weeks.




Goodnight.

Andy

ps- I don't like going to bed angry at things I can't change. I feel completely useless.