making peace, also- a celebration

I told Kim how that last thing made me feel.
In her defense, she did apologize. But she also told me that she has been seeing her ex on a regular basis. So there is that.

I sound dramatic on a daily basis, and this will be no different. So you have been warned.
All I can be from this point on is the best Father I can be to my Son.
I am doing all these cliche things that I know people will mock me for. I look at parents with their children, and i smile.
I see all these kids in different age groups, and I visualize how much cooler Graham is going to be.
I think of movies I like or songs I think are part of my soundtrack, and i can't wait to share them with him.
I need to meet him.
I need to look into his eyes and tell him that no matter what, I'm totally his. And I really need him to look right back into mine and do that thing babies do to tell their very nervous dad that they will forgive any screw up as long as they keep that promise of being there for them.

I loved Kim as best I could. I have faults out the wazoo, so there isn't any anger on my end.
but I am ready to stop lighting that candle in my window, hoping that she might change her mind and want to be a family. I'll just end up diving deeper and deeper into a place that will end with me being the worst person for graham to be around.
I know that at some point, I would realize that it isn't about me anymore. maybe it's now, maybe it is yet to come and I am just having a brief moment of clarity. I have no idea.
There is so much going on inside Brainpan Andy that I cannot keep a thought going for more than a few minutes.
Save for that one.
That being the best Dad I can be, come on, keep up...
Kim can be with who she wants, and I can do my Andy thing.

On a completely different note:

Today marks the 4th year of the Monday Night Comedy Show.
I should write more about it, but I teared up in writing my latest facebook post. I'd rather not go to sleep with crazy emotions running amok.
I'll just say this-
Work on something for 175 times. give it a few hours of thought each time you do it. Let people you care about help you with that something to make it great. Something people other than yourself care about. accept the fact that people you respect feel that your something is worth a damn, and they thank you for putting in the time to make it a thing to look forward to. Then call that something The Monday Night Comedy Show.
I'll be at my show tonight, giving a damn about the one thing I am good at- making people I care about laugh.


Cue music, and fade to the Stay Awesome...


Andy

Is this all you've got, God? It's me, Andy

Yo.

I have become a wicked lazy dude when it comes to blogging. I don't think anyone reads this one anyway. Not since I moved to that other site that I didn't even own.
And you know what that got me? A lot of posts that are completely lost now. Yay!

So if you read anything on that other site, Yesandy dot com, you were privy to info that is lost to the ages. I'm sure almost 10% of it was pretty good, too.

Well, now I have no documentation to prove I existed then.

Oh well. Onwards and moving forth and such.

Here is today's thingy:

I have been super responsible father of the child lately. It isn't big news, it's just something that i think is important. So I have been doing my part and showing Kim that I am worth a damn, but if you read this, you know that really doesn't mean anything.
We have good days and bad days.
And usually, I can just pass everything off as hormones or me not being a bleep on her radar.
Whatever, my life sucks, blah blah blah.
Today I took the bus to her house to pick up her car and get the tires replaced.
She hit a mondo pot hole a couple nights ago and blew out her back tire.
Messed up her rim too.
But I was just happy that she was safe and that the only bad thing that happened was her burrito got cold. (which she saw as the worst part of the night)
There is more to the story, but we need to get to todays drama, or it might expire.
I get to her house and she shows me a lot of neat things that one of her friends had given her for Graham. They were lovely. However everything is trumped by my Lindsey McDonald Dorsey, who purchased Graham the crib we registered for at Target. Seriously. That totally sets the bar pretty high for my family members, who I thought might get the bigger stuff. (But there is still that sweet transport crib and breast pump...)

So a HUGE thanks to Linds. Love you to the moon.

Where was I?
Oh yeah. I was at her house.
I entered her room and saw her nice big bed she got recently and noticed something that made my heart break.
We have matching framed pictures of Graham's first ultrasound. (I actually have 4 framed ultrasound pics all around my room)
Stuck in the frame's corner was a strip of photobooth pictures of Kim and her ex (guy before me.) One of those nice ones where you are having a good time and kissing and sticking your tongue out at each other. good times.
He's the guy who was abusive to her.
And maybe I shouldn't make this public. Maybe I should keep it all inside and explode over some tiny thing somewhere down the line. maybe i am an asshole to bring it up.
Perhaps I deserve everything that she has put me through in the last few months.

But you know what?

I don't fucking hit girls. or anyone I care about. And on a side note, I don't have any pictures of ex girlfriends on the ultrasound photo's of my unborn child. that isn't a choice I would make.

So that is something i am thinking about while I try to get some sleep. And I am sure it will seep into tomorrow.
I think I have an ulcer now, but am too poor to see a doctor to find out if it's just in my head.

On that note, if anyone has any work for me, I'll take it. Anything. I'll clean up puke if needed. i need some insurance for my son who is due in 10 weeks.




Goodnight.

Andy

ps- I don't like going to bed angry at things I can't change. I feel completely useless.

I broke my own rule of never editing.


I also gave up on my comedy show tonight.

I will never forgive myself for either of those things.

at wits end.

All I want is to talk to the Mother of my child about my child.
I really don't think that is too much to ask.

I have never been so sad about anything than this radio silence.

Maybe seeing her more would help.

or feeling him kick more than once.

I can't do this much longer.

This could prove dangerous.

Just downloaded the mobile app for das blog... Dont worry, it will just be used for pictures. I dont like the touchscreen much.

The poster that doug kallberg made for the show is pretty rad.

Ok. Bye for now.

Andy

If I were in a movie, it would be called 'Rando'

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux"

Pretty pretentious, having a quote in French without any explanation.
But alas, here we are.

My writing has been Baby-Heavy lately, just like my thoughts.
I get these emails from 'What to expect dot com', which I call my Baby nerd website.
Though Lise might cringe, as she steered me away from the book of the same name (sans the dot com)
And she was right, By the way. That book is BRUTAL. Everything you want to hear, but with 100 pounds of 'This is the stuff that can go wrong and probably will' added to it.
I told Kim to not read it because I trust Lisa's word. I, however, was curious. I wish I hadn't.

So today i find out that my child can hear everything and can also do Math and stuff.
The self deprecating part of me decides that he is already smarter than me in every way. I'm just feeling low because I found out that I didnt get a job I really wanted. Something that would pay well, and give great benefits to both Kim and to Graham.
I felt like a total failure.
I still do.
I know that doing theater and producing shows will never actually make any money. I was just hoping that doing it for 4 years might give me some kind of discernible skill. Sadly, no.

Anyway, I ended the night with a really good MNCS. I haven't felt good about a show in at least a month. Well, at least on my end. Haven't felt funny lately, i guess.
Everything I did felt forced. I think that one thing that helped was that i talked with Kim today. We were due to have late lunch after she got off of work. but work for her today was crazy nuts, so she called to give me a heads up. maybe she was just in a calm in the storm, but I like to think she used up all of her break just to talk to me. She told me about her lunch with her Dad, and that 'My' Son has been keeping her up all the time due to kicking. She always says 'your Son' when it is an annoying thing for her. I am strangely ok with that. :)
I told her I didn't get the job, and she acknowledged it. It made me feel a bit better. I don't know why. Maybe because it's Her, and i want her to know that I AM looking. I'm trying. But like I said, Four years of hosting a Comedy Show doesn't mean anything in the Job-world.
I hope to grow up, but I don't want my Son to think that wasting away in a corporate world is what it's like to be an adult.

And it's things like that that make me think I will be a bad father...

I swear I won't mention the word 'Craft' in any way but ironic. But I hope above all things that he gets Kim's visual art abilities and my whatever I have to offer.
Maybe he will be very good at worrying. Or a working knowledge of which starship Enterprise was featured in which series or motion picture.
I think I need to read more. Maybe take a continuing education class on excel or powerpoint.

What did you do today, Andy?
Oh, i felt sorry for myself most of the time. Spoke with the Mother of my child for a bit. That cheered me up a little, and then I worked on the Monday show stuff and made a female shark costume for JAws The Musical... A point of interest was when I was peeling layers of elmers glue off my fingers and pretending that it was skin while screaming in fake pain to no one in particular. In a British accent (which is my go-to voice in my head)
You know, normal stuff.
My Boy doesn't have a chance.

Oh, today my blood sugar got so low because of not eating that for some reason my left hand started to shake uncontrollably. that was odd.
For five minutes straight, I thought I had the beginning stages of Parkinson's Disease. To the point where I did online research.
And then, after I had finally eaten something and the shaking went away, i started doing some looking into leprosy because I was pulling chunks of elmers glue off my hands. And that evolved into schizophrenia research because for some reason I talk to myself in a British accent. Everything comes full circle, I swear to you.

Again, my boy doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of being normal. But He WILL be interesting...

In other news, tonight was out 167th show. And it was a great one. No one heckled me to shut up, which I see as a triumph.
Jason kruger did a 5 minute set that everyone enjoyed, and we had a fun lineup in addition. Kate Urquhart is my favorite MNCS Comic in residence. That is where we have someone do 5 all new minutes of jokes each week.
It is one of those things I think of at random and it happened to work. I have people asking about doing it at least every other week. (and to be honest, I did it so the audience wouldn't get bored hearing the same jokes over and over) But it also challenges the comics who do it. Kate really works hard, and comes up with great stuff. If I can make it so the show is ONLY new stuff, I will be a very happy dude.
But coming up with 5 new minutes a week is no small feat. I am happy with people trying is all. I want my audience to keep coming back with the thought 'What will happen this week?'
And I certainly don't want Linds, Jason or Roni to be bored. The show needs them too much.

Ok, so this was a very ranty-tangent post.
Basically, I wanted to stress how much i dislike making shark costumes. I don't think I made that clear.
Still, I am pretty good at it. If making shark costumes that look like they were made by a three year old with a working knowledge of shitty costumes should look like is a skill.
Target corp should have a department devoted to just that.

Until that happens, keep reading and stay awesome.

Andy

I was thinking of my Son. So I thought I should write about it.

This Blog is brought to you by the letter H for 'Haugie' and the number 11 because I like it.

Why? What did Haugie do to inspire the typy type? Oh, she wrote a blog after 3 years of being lame and not writing a blog.
So look at the link to the right of this and find her blog, read it. Comment on it. And tell her to keep at it.

In our last chapter, I was very very drunk and should not have been writing.
Alas, I do not edit my bits until Simon & Shuster come a knocking and tell me to trim the fat.

Oh, speaking of fat, I am on a diet. No more eating like an asshole. I think today is day 8 of that. Cant be sure. I'd have to check my little calendar that I keep in my coat pocket. i write everything down in it, as my brain has turned to mush in my extreme old age.
But that coat is almost ten feet away, and I cannot be bothered with long trips right now.
So yeah. Losing the weight of the world in my belly.
We will see how long it lasts.
Next up: Quitting smoking.
Soon, Mon. Soon...
I would like to have been at least a month smoke free before my Son arrives.
It seems I would like to see him reach adulthood without that pesky cancer.

Haugies blog was nice and inspiring. Something that I think my own writing lacks. At least recently. I mean, if you take out the five months that I stopped writing altogether and include the last 3 or so years.
Yeah, I've been a kind of bummer.
She reminded me that I don't need to be melancholy all the time when writing. Even when there is some major scary things going on in one's life.
And I don't think there is anything scarier than Andy brynildson becoming a father.

I have a lot of nice friends who assure me that i will be great at it.
I trust them. Mostly.
I know myself. Meaning, i know where I stand in relation to God, Politics and Social things.
I am rubbish at relationships, but then, so is everyone in my family to some degree, i think. I realize that I need to stop looking at the history of my family as some sort of curse that I am doomed to repeat. I think that if I pass along anything to my Son, it will be all good things. Maybe heavy on the whole 'dreamer' aspect, but that certainly isn't something to be ashamed of.
One thing, above all, I hope that he is kind.
And that he understands the importance of clean laundry. Maybe he will develop an odd fascination with how dryer exhaust smells and makes you happy.
Or he could be normal, and not like the old man...

Either way, I'm going to be around for him. I hope he likes me.

More soon.

Stay Awesome and things like that.

Andy