Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Nothing much to say, but I have to stop being lazy.

Hiya. So this last week and a half have been a bit melancholy for me. I haven't had any motivation to do any writing or work on projects or really do anything that adults do. I'd call it a Brian Wilson phase(lovingly, because I have nothing but mad love for BW) but I cannot grow a beard very fast, i don't have 2 tons of sand to make my living room into a sandbox, nor can I write a song. And I don't do LSD(anymore)* I have, however, been sitting in front of the TV binge watching Netflix and eating taco bell nachos. I'm not proud, but at least I'm honest. Bill stuff hit me hard from out of the blue, and I think it just happened because I was binge watching Netflix and eating taco bell nachos. I need to get out of the house more. Also on the list of to-do items is planning the 8 year anniversary show for The MNCS. May 4th(star wars day for all you trekkers) It's an awards show this year. No prom, no masquerade balls. Just votin' and awards givin' and I want a red carpet. I also need a video projector. So if you have one, please hit me up. My goal for the coming weeks is to venture out of the house and involve myself in some sort of wacky adventure that befits a man who is fast approaching middle age. By fast approaching, I mean it is about 20 years away and that justifies buying more action figures under the guise of "I have a three year old son who needs these things" I was having a conversation with a friend who died recently about books and why he didn't have a lot of them. He said that he gave his books away after he read them because he didn't like moving books when he switched living spaces. I countered with "Then how will you ever get a library that you can give to Belle to try and earn her love before the last rose petal falls?" and he said that was a cartoon and that I should live in reality and try growing up because I'm a hoarder. I should note that he was saying this as he was loading one of 13 Nerf guns that we had in the house for one of our delightfully epic nerf gun fights we had every other day. He was fine with hoarding nerf, but to have a complete set of Harry Potter 1 through 7 was a waste of shelf space. I may not ever find a girl who will fight me with nerf guns while reading Prisoner of Azkaban, but by the gods I WILL try to find her. You know, thinking about it.... I think every girl I've ever dated would have done that. Damn. I'm rubbish at relationships. I need to stop burning bridges. Tonight I stert building my Beauty and the Beast library and go wife huntin' And I'll be drankin a case a malt liquor and watching hoarders on Netflix while I polish my nerf guns that you can pry outta my cold dead hands. All the while, I will be analyzing each of my past relationships and finding out that the common denominator was me. It was all my fault. Damn it. Anyway, I'm feeling better. Though I could use a roommate for February if anyone wants to crash at my place for a month. Stay Awesome, Andy *I did LSD twice. the first time was crazy and fun. The second time I was drinking Boone's Farm wine and eating white castle. That time stuff went dark...

Monday, January 19, 2015

In which we 'slam evil' and wonder why spandex is a thing.

As today is usually reserved for thinking about the civil rights movement, I'd like to point out that racism is very very stupid, and that it is the responsibility of us all to ensure that today's children become responsible and caring adults. So everyone just stop being dumb bits of poo (Shit)and practice tolerance and understanding like a human being should. It is ridiculous that this is still a problem in this world. I'm not going to quote Dr. King, as I think it is horribly cliche. There is enough of that going on on facebook today. It just shouldn't be a thing is all I'm saying. It gives me a headache and makes me want to punch walls and cut brake lines*. Kids look up to you and emulate your behavior. If you are stupid, chances are your kids will be too. Be the change, enter the dragon, diversify your investments and slam evil. It should be pointed out that i made a reference to the early 90's movie version of the comic strip: The Phantom starring some dude who was in that thing and Kristy Swanson, whom I believe needs to be in everything still. See, I had a thing about her ever since Buffy The Vampire Slayer during my formative years**.
And while I'm talking about racism and awful movies that studios backed foolishly: Spandex. It is a way to make powerful enemies or lifelong friends. I get it. But that movie looked super lame. Except for the skull ring. that was choice.
It seems I started writing again at the perfect time where it seems like all my friends are dead. Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of Kate Urquhart passing away after a short but awful battle with Cancer. I assure you that it is not me, just unfortunate circumstance. Tonight at the show we will listen to her last comedy set (dubbed 'The Cancer 5') She was undergoing Chemo and was in a lot of pain, so the fact that she made it down the stairs to club Underground was a testament to how badass she was. And how much it meant to her to try and make people laugh with her. She was funny, kind, didn't take any shit from anyone and saw the world as a messed up but wonderful place to be. I miss her everyday and her memory lives on in the show that she considered her favorite. Seriously. The Phantom was a bad movie. What were they thinking?
I want you to know that no matter the reason, no matter your body type, spandex used in public is not allowed. Stay Awesome, Andy * never cut brake lines. I saw it once in a movie and I use it as an empty threat. I should start saying I'm going to tea bag you since I am more prone to do that since you wouldn't die and it would brighten everyone's day. ** I even have a soft spot for 'The Chase' That one had Charlie Sheen and they had sex in a car on a freeway headed to Mexico. That was the way I wanted to lose my virginity. Sex in a car with Kristy Swanson. It ended up being in an apartment in Indianapolis. But if I close my eyes, it is an apartment in Indianapolis with Charlie Sheen telling me I'm doing ok.

Friday, January 16, 2015

To Bill, Regarding Bill.

This is a re-post from facebook. I wanted to write something before the year was over. I started writing it the day after, in response to Mike Brody asking me to write something for What he wrote was way better, as this was kind of darker in tone and his was more celebratory. It took me a long time to finish because I had to start and stop so many times from getting overwhelmed. Anyway, it tells a bit of the story. As it is now about a month and 4 days after, I feel like adding more. Not going to happen, though. It isn't time yet. Read it if you haven't. or don't. Write your own and tell me where to find it. -Andy December 31, 2014 at 1:21pm I am sitting on a couch I always said I hated. It isn't uncomfortable, it's just that we never decided which side was 'My side' Mainly because you didn't care about that kind of stuff. You always said you were 'easy like Sunday Morning' Sitting a few inches from my feet are your shoes that you left there the last time you sat down. I've decided that that side is yours, if you don't mind. The shoes haven't moved. Not even when about 100 of our friends stopped by to make sure I was doing ok. And to make sure they were doing ok too. It was really good to have them there. Christ, it has been a bad couple of weeks. That Morning is still a blur. I have moments of clarity every so often, and when I do I see things my small brain cannot handle. It was the general concensus that you slept through Gus' memorial. I was going to give you shit about it, but started to get worried instead. But responsibilities took over and I had to pick up Graham becasue it was my Thursday night to have him sleep over. He went to bed without a fuss, and your light was still on becasue it was broken and you never felt like bothering our landlord about getting it fixed. How many nights you slept with the light on can't be counted. One of your charms that we all just shook our head at and muttered "That's our Bill". I dropped Graham off in the morning and remember shouting "Bill, get up. You're going to be late for work" before we left. I even texted you before I left Kim's parking lot before I headed home. And then I got home. It took two tries to make my hands work the phone to dial 911 that morning. I kept dropping it. Barely able to give details over the phone, the 911 operator was very patient with me. Paramedics came and so did the fire dept. They were just doing their thing they have to do. I was out on the porch. they told me to get some air. They came in the door and were gone within two minutes. I cried knowing they would have been there longer if there was anything they could have done. Looking back on what i am going to call the worst morning in my life thus far, I have to say that I am writing this as more of a diary of moments. Something for me to look back on in case the years following take anything away from me. Truth is, I doubt I'll forget anything and those fucking moments of clarity I spoke of earlier keep coming. I hate those moments. Maybe this is for you who were not there in those horrific first few minutes when I was the most alone I have ever been in my life. Don't think of this as a form of sick punishment. Just please understand that I have this incredibly awful series of images that I am cursed to live with and I need you to know that it changed me. I'm really not the same person I was before December 12th. I'm not sure what kind of person i am now. I am in that stage of grief where I am pissed off about everything. A stage that would probably be the one to avoid writing during. Yet here we are. I think that Mike Brody captured a moving tribute to you in what he wrote for Laughspin. It is only now that the Memorial service is over and some of your things have been taken away that I can try and sit down to write something without it taking a huge toll on me. But trust me, the toll is being taken still. The police were nice to me. Probably a good thing since I have met one cop I like, and he is retired and does comedy now. They told me that I should try and call someone to be with me. (I wasn't the most stable, yet still Minnesotan through and through in that I apologized every time I realized I may or may not have said the word 'Fuck' enough to make a sailor blush) That Minnesotan thing would come back a few hours later once I started making the calls to inform people. Apologizing over and over for having to tell people I normally don't talk to save for the occasional text that our friend was gone. Had another moment of clarity just then when I typed that. So the cops said they would stay with me because they medical examiner needed to come and take photos and do medical examiner stuff. See, they treat every death like a homicide until they know more info. At the point of waiting for this guy to show up, that is when Roni arrives. She was my 'first responder' and a major rock for me, though she was hurting just as much. I didn't tell her over the phone. I just asked her to come over right away. I know she knew the moment she hung up the phone. She's smart and I don't envy the car ride for her as she drove to the house. Nor would I wish that sick feeling as people must have had as they walked up the porch steps. How could I have told her? This whole fucked up mess was about an hour old for me. I couldn't bring myself to say anything but "please come over here as fast as you can" in the quietest voice I've ever had. Dick move on my part. Imagining now what must have been going through her head as she drove to uptown... I wasn't thinking clearly, but still. She stood by me as the medical examiner asked me/us questions. That guy's job is death. Dealing with it and poking it with a stick or filing paperwork or whatever. it must suck, that job. But still, the dude was kind of a dick. Cold and to the point. That is how we found out about the huffing. I've thought about that a lot. Wondering what could have made you start doing it. I've read angry posts and even angrier comments and power trip high horse soapbox rants. The only thing I can say is that I'm sad you were hurting & I wish you hadn't seemed alone in your suffering. I'm not mad about it. I'm just so sad that it took you away from us. Our frinds came pouring in the house. Showing up just to be around others who might be able to comfort them and to offer comfort themselves. There were bagels and the coffee maker should not still work for how many pots were brewed. That bottle of "The Good Stuff" that Roger gave me a while ago was opened. You know the one we were saving for our Holiday Party that we both knew would end up happening in March? Yeah, that one. I got glasses out for anyone who was there becasue I asked if it was too early for a drink. Everyone said no. Without thinking, I had an extra one for you. And that glass still has whiskey in it. It's on a shelf and I can't throw it out because I'm not ready yet. "Kill Whitey" as we raised our glasses. So many time since, people are saying that out of respect for you. I think you'd like that. There's more. There always is. Little details that I've tried to write about but can't. Big details I won't even begin to be able to talk about for a while. I'm not a good writer and I ramble on like my intros to comics. But I wanted to get something down. This doesn't capture everything. Maybe someday. I want you to know that You are missed with everything we have. Your Family is one of the strongest and kindest that I have known and your memory will live on in us. Just like we all mourned Kate's passing or Gus's, each of us will celebrate you too. Thanks for being my friend, Bill. I am comforted in that I actually said that to you once and you seemed to feel that it mattered. Tonight is the last night of this year that hadn't been that bad until early December. If there is any justice in the world, and there probably isnt, there will be some good that comes of your loss. Personally I can't see it now, but you had that way of having a positive spin on things so I'll try: The people you knew and called your friends are a bit kinder now. They might go the extra distance to cross a room and ask how someone is who might not offer personal insight. If we see someone struggling, we might just say something nice like 'I love you'. It might not happen too. we could all revert back to our cynical selves and not let our guard down until the next godforsaken trajedy occurs. But I saw so much goodness from people in the last month of 2014 that will stay with me a good long time. And if there is one thing I believe in, it's our friends. I'll end with something I said at the Monday that seemed like it was good at the time: Years from now, you will meet some young kid just starting out. They might be a comic. They might not be. But I want you to pull that kid aside, show them some kindness and say "Let me tell you about a guy named Bill Young" With love, Andy PS- Graham asks about you. I just tell him that you have gone away, but you love him very much.

It may be redundant, but welcome back to the stage: Your host, Andy

Let's be honest with each other: I have never forgotten about this place... I just have been busy washing my hair. However, to fulfill a promise I made to a friend named Bill Young, here I am again. I can't promise you that it will be full of whimsy or insight, and I can full on give you a guarantee that it will not be as good as the posts that Bill wrote over on (editors note: I just tried to make a link. Did it work? It was a link to a thing on the internet that I wanted you to click on. Internet stuff baffles me and is made of witchcraft and demons)(update: it didn't work. i hate the internet and I am a small and stupid marmot. That said, this isn't a replacement. this is me keeping my word. And since it is already the 16th of January, I am a bit behind schedule. Avast ye hearties. What happened to me? I was sojourning with whales on the northern coast of California. I have lost my fear of whales and I commune with them every chance I get*. Along the way, I had a Son in 2011 and work in an office where i am the most popular person there and they call me 'Fonzie'** I still host and produce The Monday Night Comedy Show in Northeast Minneapolis with a group of people who are my closest friends and who I would like it if they started calling me 'Fonzie'*** That brings us up to recent days. I'm going to be talking about my friend Bill now. Brace yourself. I have known Bill for years. He has been a solid performer at The MNCS; I officiated his wedding(Granted, the marriage ended and he only mentioned that it was my fault two or three times); I did a play with him last Summer and most recently I moved in with him and we had the best time ever. Even though he would never do dishes. Now, before I go on, I'm not going to go into the events of December 11th 2014 to the Morning of December 12th right now. I wrote a thing that I will post after I get this one out of the way. Bill died sometime in the night of the 11th and 12th. I found him in his room and it made everything go dark. No heartbreak has been more pronounced in my life thus far, and I hope that I never have to go through it again. That said, in the weeks that have passed: I have found support through the most unexpected of people. I have grown closer to those who I always have relied on in times of trouble. Having always been a bit of a Drama Queen, I have changed my title to Drama High Chancellor. As not only is it manlier, it is also much more awesome and that is what this is all about. There are moments now where I feel like I am not in control of anything in my life, and am trying to learn to ask for help when I need it. This is proving difficult because I am the Drama High Chancellor and I can do everything on my own I do not need help for I am a rock, and Island and I wear big boy pants. Sometimes I sleep with the light on still because if I do that, it is like I have passed out at a party and that means there are still people in the house having fun. As I wrote this, I see that that is probably not healthy. but there are nights when everything feels super lonely and I want my friend back to keep me company. I have learned more things, but nothing that has to do with one of my best friends dying. End list. This is not a therapy blog. I will not go through huge realizations(unless I realize something huge). There will be more rants about how Dinosaurs are amazing and baby named like Kodiak and Chastity or Farnsworth are stupid and grind society to a halt. As it was before, this is a Batman friendly zone and in the bylaws, you have to be attractive to read it. Racism is dumb, women are equal, and the cheesy biscuits are really good at Red Lobster and if you think you can re-create them at home:I do not believe you. ok. We can begin again now for the very first time. Again. Come on, Amber. Let's ride. Stay Awesome, Andy Brynildson. (who is heavily influenced by the writing of Neil Gaiman and hopes you find that sexy) *This is just not true. Whales are the ghosts of murderers and thieves who would steal your babies in the night and take all that you hold dear away from you. And while they are doing all these things to you and yours, they are trying to pull you down into the murky depths to delight in your untimely death. They are assholes without knowing it, and that is just the worst. Too big. They are much too big. I could go on forever. Also, I have only been to Northern California in hilarious text message exchanges with Lindsey McDonald Dorsey. **They do not call me Fonzie. I just recently watched a movie with Henry Winkler in it and I think he is just the best ever. *** They call me literally everything BUT Fonzie. Most of them are insults. Endearing insults.

Monday, May 16, 2011

making peace, also- a celebration

I told Kim how that last thing made me feel.
In her defense, she did apologize. But she also told me that she has been seeing her ex on a regular basis. So there is that.

I sound dramatic on a daily basis, and this will be no different. So you have been warned.
All I can be from this point on is the best Father I can be to my Son.
I am doing all these cliche things that I know people will mock me for. I look at parents with their children, and i smile.
I see all these kids in different age groups, and I visualize how much cooler Graham is going to be.
I think of movies I like or songs I think are part of my soundtrack, and i can't wait to share them with him.
I need to meet him.
I need to look into his eyes and tell him that no matter what, I'm totally his. And I really need him to look right back into mine and do that thing babies do to tell their very nervous dad that they will forgive any screw up as long as they keep that promise of being there for them.

I loved Kim as best I could. I have faults out the wazoo, so there isn't any anger on my end.
but I am ready to stop lighting that candle in my window, hoping that she might change her mind and want to be a family. I'll just end up diving deeper and deeper into a place that will end with me being the worst person for graham to be around.
I know that at some point, I would realize that it isn't about me anymore. maybe it's now, maybe it is yet to come and I am just having a brief moment of clarity. I have no idea.
There is so much going on inside Brainpan Andy that I cannot keep a thought going for more than a few minutes.
Save for that one.
That being the best Dad I can be, come on, keep up...
Kim can be with who she wants, and I can do my Andy thing.

On a completely different note:

Today marks the 4th year of the Monday Night Comedy Show.
I should write more about it, but I teared up in writing my latest facebook post. I'd rather not go to sleep with crazy emotions running amok.
I'll just say this-
Work on something for 175 times. give it a few hours of thought each time you do it. Let people you care about help you with that something to make it great. Something people other than yourself care about. accept the fact that people you respect feel that your something is worth a damn, and they thank you for putting in the time to make it a thing to look forward to. Then call that something The Monday Night Comedy Show.
I'll be at my show tonight, giving a damn about the one thing I am good at- making people I care about laugh.

Cue music, and fade to the Stay Awesome...


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Is this all you've got, God? It's me, Andy


I have become a wicked lazy dude when it comes to blogging. I don't think anyone reads this one anyway. Not since I moved to that other site that I didn't even own.
And you know what that got me? A lot of posts that are completely lost now. Yay!

So if you read anything on that other site, Yesandy dot com, you were privy to info that is lost to the ages. I'm sure almost 10% of it was pretty good, too.

Well, now I have no documentation to prove I existed then.

Oh well. Onwards and moving forth and such.

Here is today's thingy:

I have been super responsible father of the child lately. It isn't big news, it's just something that i think is important. So I have been doing my part and showing Kim that I am worth a damn, but if you read this, you know that really doesn't mean anything.
We have good days and bad days.
And usually, I can just pass everything off as hormones or me not being a bleep on her radar.
Whatever, my life sucks, blah blah blah.
Today I took the bus to her house to pick up her car and get the tires replaced.
She hit a mondo pot hole a couple nights ago and blew out her back tire.
Messed up her rim too.
But I was just happy that she was safe and that the only bad thing that happened was her burrito got cold. (which she saw as the worst part of the night)
There is more to the story, but we need to get to todays drama, or it might expire.
I get to her house and she shows me a lot of neat things that one of her friends had given her for Graham. They were lovely. However everything is trumped by my Lindsey McDonald Dorsey, who purchased Graham the crib we registered for at Target. Seriously. That totally sets the bar pretty high for my family members, who I thought might get the bigger stuff. (But there is still that sweet transport crib and breast pump...)

So a HUGE thanks to Linds. Love you to the moon.

Where was I?
Oh yeah. I was at her house.
I entered her room and saw her nice big bed she got recently and noticed something that made my heart break.
We have matching framed pictures of Graham's first ultrasound. (I actually have 4 framed ultrasound pics all around my room)
Stuck in the frame's corner was a strip of photobooth pictures of Kim and her ex (guy before me.) One of those nice ones where you are having a good time and kissing and sticking your tongue out at each other. good times.
He's the guy who was abusive to her.
And maybe I shouldn't make this public. Maybe I should keep it all inside and explode over some tiny thing somewhere down the line. maybe i am an asshole to bring it up.
Perhaps I deserve everything that she has put me through in the last few months.

But you know what?

I don't fucking hit girls. or anyone I care about. And on a side note, I don't have any pictures of ex girlfriends on the ultrasound photo's of my unborn child. that isn't a choice I would make.

So that is something i am thinking about while I try to get some sleep. And I am sure it will seep into tomorrow.
I think I have an ulcer now, but am too poor to see a doctor to find out if it's just in my head.

On that note, if anyone has any work for me, I'll take it. Anything. I'll clean up puke if needed. i need some insurance for my son who is due in 10 weeks.



ps- I don't like going to bed angry at things I can't change. I feel completely useless.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I broke my own rule of never editing.

I also gave up on my comedy show tonight.

I will never forgive myself for either of those things.