Snow is happening. Run away.

Here is something I wrote a while ago, meaning to put it here on my blog page.

As a preface, I should tell you that I didn't actually sing karaoke last night. Last night, I sat at home watching episodes of shows on Hulu. And that is probably what I am going to do tonight too. Maybe some laundry, but by 'Laundry' I mean watching shows on Hulu.

There is a ton of snow falling on the Minneapolis/ St. Paul Theatre today. So much so, that I am not even going out to get the half and half I need to enjoy my coffee. That says a lot about the amount of snow. It also says something about how much I like half and half in my coffee.

Zissou and I went to the dollar store to get his daily planner, since he refused to pay $15 for one at Office Max. One dollar seems to be the correct amount of cash to pay for anything these days, economy being what it is. I picked up a few boxes of Fiber One Bars. That's right. Fiber One. When you get up there in years like yours truly, you need to be regular. The trouble is, the kind I got were freaking delicious. Chris and I each had one, and both commented on how much we wanted to eat another on, but couln't for fear we would blow out something that should never be blown out. If you do have the means, economy being what it is, I highly suggest picking up some 'Oats and Peanut Butter Fiber One Bars' They are WAY better than Snickers or bales of Hay that people usually use to stay regular.

On our way to the Mansion gate, after we left the dollar tree, I biffed it on a big patch of ice. Clocked my right knee pretty bad. It is the knee that went through the dash board of my 1986 Toyota Tercell Wagon when i totalled it all those years ago. It has never been right since, but I rarely complain. Now I will complain more. Brace yourself.

Anyhow, here is a thing:

I‘m used to the whiskey they serve at the Green Mill during those magical hours that they call ‘Happy’ Most of the servers know me, and they usually have my Whiskey-Diet (as I am always trying to watch my figure) at my table within minutes of my arrival. I don’t want to say that I ‘have the hookup’ when it comes to free drinks, even though I feel I should, as I come in there several nights a week, dragging my colorful array for friends with me which I can only assume is good for business.

I’ve spent night after night searching the city for two things: Good happy hours, and good Karaoke. Sadly, I have started to think that never the two shall meet. Where one happy hour has great two for ones, they seriously lack a small corner with a microphone so I can belt out ‘Janie’s got a Gun’ for my adoring fans. By ‘fans’, I mean ‘friends’, and by ‘friends’, I mean the victims that hear me sing anything by Aerosmith. And of course, if the songbooks at a certain venue are packed with the hits where everyone sings along, the drinks cost more than a tank of gas at the Super America down the street. I mean, how else are you going to become the next American Idol if you can’t hold a cup of liquid courage while you massacre Neil Diamond?

Last night, I went adventuring in the mean streets of Uptown and found myself in the confines of the Country Bar & Grill on Lake and Lyndale. While I took interest in the huge buffalo head that looks like it was the first Buffalo head ever mounted on a wall, and mused to myself that I should think about getting some of those lighting fixtures that were entwined in deer antlers, I felt I might have found the perfect place to call my new ‘karaoke home’

The tap beer flowed like water that was fermented with hops. Just like beer should be. And let me tell you, I am not a beer drinker. But for $1.75 for a tall glass, you better believe that I was going to start.

I was promised me karaoke. And the guy who was in the dark corner trying to figure out the audio/visual stuff so I could start strutting my vocal stuff was the one who was going to make it happen. It’s just too bad that he wasn’t the regular ‘karaoke engineer’ The usual lady was gone for the night, and through his almost constant swearing at which cable went where, I heard that he didn’t have a clue about what he was doing.

But a few of those cheap brews were making me a patient man. (it helped that I was at a table with several good looking women) My name was finally called, and my grip on the mic was firm. I was going to impress almost 10 people in that place how Brian Adams should sound like…

And nothing happened.

Nothing happened when the guy pressed play.

Nothing happened when the guy swore at the machine.

Nothing happened when I started to pout. This song was really going to impress the ladies. I was sure of it.

As he started packing up the equipment, he muttered a short ‘sorry, man’ and then he pried the mic out of my hands.

Within 15 minutes, we were walking through the door of the Green Mill, where my Whiskey and diet was waiting for me, and I heard an Aerosmith song on the muzak.

So the moral of that story is: You sure as hell better know what you are doing with the karaoke setup BEFORE you hand me the Mic. I hold grudges. Especially KARAOKE GRUDGES.

Tonight, instead of going to see a friends Sketch Comedy Show that has been cancelled due to the snowfall, I will try editing some video and maybe do a YesAndy Blog. Hope you are keeping warm out there, and remember to be nice to those who are less fortunate.

I am going to go eat another Fiber One bar. While doing laundry. And think of the revenge I will exact on that one karaoke guy who made me pout.

Oh! And you should check out my friend Mike Brody's Blog. The link is to the right. He is quite funny.

Stay Awesome, or I will declare a Snow Emergency on you. And will never tell you where it is safe to park.

Andy

Random bits on my mind.

This weather today has got me feeling really down.
Rainy and gray with a slight chance of this really sucks.
Every so often, I feel like something is about to happen. Something either really awful or something really good.
Pretty vague, I know, but those are the limits of my mental powers.
Sometimes I wish I could be better at math and science rather than feel like crap at the drop of a hat.
Or feel like crap because it is rainy and gray outside.
Maybe I feel odd because tonight is The Monday Night Comedy Show, and I've been feeling that since it's been getting better attendance-wise, that that is the other shoe that is about to drop.
The show means so much to me, and I really like doing it. The performers have been 'bringing it on' again and again.
I'm terribly worried that once I move to Indianapolis, there won't be that weekly feeling of 'I fucking did this. This is my show, and check me out World'
It's a question of trying to find a venue, I suppose.
The Beat being open to having a weekly comedy show was about as lucky as it gets.
I guess I am just apprehensive about how lucky I will be once i am down there.
I don't have any contacts in the theatre world there, nor do I really know any performers who are as skilled at Comedy as the folks who do the show in Minneapolis.
All in due time, I'm sure.
I've been feeling very UNcreative lately. Not writing as much as I think I should, and obsessing over what I do come up with.
I've been watching what I eat the last couple days, and have noticed more energy than when i would eat five burritos stuffed with Butter and candy.
I'm still not eating well, as my limited income does not allow for all of the food groups like Steak and Shrimp and caviar. Isn't that what healthy people eat?
I am sure that when I move, my future housemates will make sure I have an apple or something everyday. And I hear that there is something called a 'Salad'
Today Chris and I went to a thrifty store to find the next great treasure that will fulfill our souls.
The prices were outrageous. I think that since the economy is so bad people are thrifty store shopping more and more, so prices are being raised under a guise of justification.
But seriously. Ten dollars for a pair of Jeans? Two dollars for a VHS tape? It could be worse. I could actually be brand conscious and ONLY shop at Macys or Bloomingdales.
We ended up at the Dollar Tree and got some valentines stuff for tonight's show.
The show, by the by, will be great per usual.
Lucky number 82.
82 Monday Night Comedy Shows. Not bad for a kid from Indiana.
Seven stand up comics tonight.
And three slam poets.
And one improv group.
And Robocop II. The runaway hit that is proving to be a better idea than Jaws was. It kills me that so many people ask me to read it every week. But hey, The comedy writes itself.
I am going to have an impromptu 'Bachelor Auction' tonight too. Since it is Valentines day coming up. I'm not sure what that means, but I'll come up with something, and it probably has a 70% chance of being funny.
Maybe I will get rid of some of those locks of hair that no one really wanted... Probably not.
Last night a group of people came over and we watched Coneheads and Spiderman 2 on a projection that J-Man was nice enough to lend me.
I'm gonna miss the Hell out of him when I move. Best not to think about it till later.
But today does mark 113 days left till June 1st.
Time marches on, and current events fade into memories. One day, you will be able to recall where you were when you read this blog...

Hope to see you at the show tonight. Or at The Green Mill afterwards.

The facebook event page is

HERE

See you tonight?

Stay Awesome. Stay... Good Awesome.
Andy

Islands in the stream of consciousness.

Hey Doozers.
I was just thinking about Fraggle Rock just now. No clue why.
Oh yes I do. The theme song has been running in my head for the last six hours.
Some might say 'torture', but I say 'Anthem'

So how was your night last night?
Better than anything ever, you say?
Then I bet you were at The Monday Night Comedy Show.
It's a little show with a lot of heart, and they believe in you there. Just like The Ghostbusters.
Wait, they said 'We're ready to Believe you'
Never mind. My pop culture machine is spewing out smoke and I found a few missing nuts and bolts. And it isn't plugged in.
And it's on fire.
The show really went well last night.
In case you haven't heard, I went to The Great Clips yesterday and sold all my hair to buy a chain for my husband's gold watch. And he sold his watch to buy me a pony.
Now I have a pony and a haircut. Ladies love a man with a haircut, but not a man with a Husband. They get in the way. Of things.
Strange mood? You bet.
I have to work tonight, and I am almost certain that it isn't going to be any fun.
With the exception of making people smile with my winning personality and five star customer service.
That has to be worth something, right?
Oh, I forgot to tell you that this is a stream of consciousness blog.

You might be telling yourself that 'Your Mom is a consciousness'
And you would be absolutely correct.
Certs with Retsyn crystals are not very good. Let's just get that out there. We were all thinking it.
Oh!
So last night, before the show, I was putting my hair into little plastic tubes to sell at the show as a sort of Fundraiser for Wonder Dave and Big Poppa E (Who also did some poems last night)
It was a strange sight, as I was listening to Regina Spektor and looking all crazy. But my hair looks wicked good and you know it.
Not many people took a vial of my goldie locks, or as I liked to call it: A piece of the Golden Fleece.
Anyone? Jason & The Argonauts? Hello?
Your Mom is an Ancient Greece Reference.

So I have all these vials of my hair, and I have no idea what to do with them, save for making them into necklaces that are not only unattractive, but rather creepy.
Instead of grabbing a lock of my hair, people did give generously, and the poets will have a little bit of gas money they didn't have before. I did notice that someone put a two dollar bill in the donation bucket (which was really a cake pan, as I could not find a bucket).
It made me think of old people and Werther's Originals.
And how I hate Carmel.
Not the city where I grew up, but the flavor.
Hate is always too strong a word, I know. I hate Racism and murder and war.
I dislike wet shoes, Vegans and Carmel.
And even the Vegan thing borders on Hate. But only when people make their children Vegan.
I think suffocating them in plastic bags is more humane.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah, Carmel.
And other stuff.
Speaking of other stuff, please read my new blogging endeavor over at www.yesandy.blogspot.com
Or you can click on the link next door to this post on the right and read about how advice should be given.
I have to go to work early now. I just got the text.
End of stream.
Sweet Dreams, lilac.

Stay Awesome or they get their revenge.
Andy