Sheepishly, he enters with head low so you won't notice

March, eh?
How about that!
Seems like only yesterday that I was doing something...
Ok. Yeah. You are right. It has been a shit ton of a long time.
So what brings me back?
Lots of things. One, I don't own the domain of Yesandy dot com. And since I don't own it, I don't feel comfortable writing in it. I also don't remember the password. I went through some computer troubles a while ago, and the batcomputer spy machine that I usually use had to be wiped and some other bits that are way too technical for even science. Well, my kind of science. Which is at a steady 10th grade level.
Anyhow, I am back here.
But it really isn't a huge deal, since i haven't written any kind of update since 2010. To say that things have changed would be an affront to the word 'change'
I could re-cap, but my brain is fuzzy on the whirlwind, so instead I will just keep on plugging like I never went away. Cool? Very.

The most important thing I can say about myself for the rest of my life is that I am a father.
Well, soon to be. July 15th is the due date for a little baby Boy.
Now, yes, this is a really huge thing.
It's a human being.
A little version of half of me.
Daunting? Yes.
Exciting? You bet.
I'm at a loss as to what else to write about this. I mean, I know myself pretty well. I know what my faults are, and I know all sorts of stuff about me that I never let anyone know. Not even the closest of the close.

He will probably be an only child, but in a few ways, we have a lot of things in common, which I think will bring us closer together and help develop a relationship that I don't have with my own Dad.
Come, let me list the ways. Join me, won't you?
1)Boy. It's a Boy. Child is the Father of the Man. I am a boy. I was. Am. Are. We. Together, we are dudes.
2)Age separation. Kind of an odd list item, but bear with me. I am closest in age to my Brother, Matt. But by 12 years. Now, this little guy will have TONS of cousins. By Blood and by code of the streets. I ended up finding out the kind of guy I am as an only child. My siblings were all older than me, and i only got to see them on very special weekends where they didn't mind having me around. I like to think that they were mercy visits in order to get me away from my Dad and Step Mom for a bit. A fact that I am almost sure saved my life on more than a few occasions.
3)The nature of the parenting that is going to happen. What? i know, right? ok, so I am not married. In fact, i doubt that I ever will get married at this point. I mean, i have a kid. er. am having. About to have. I am with child as it were. The logistics of things are a bit on the far out side of the spectrum.
It is so different, that I will now end the listing of things and start talking about this. It's kind of important to the story.
Kim is the name of the Mom.
She is a wonderful woman, who I dated for a few months last year.
Now, with Kim, I was playing it safer than I had ever done. Meaning, i was being a nancy and not calling it what it was: Boyfriend/Girlfriend. I wasn't scared of commitment. I mean, i like being in a relationship. I just have trust issues. And not that I was thinking she would cheat on me, it's the breaking up that sucks. If it happens. And the moment you open yourself up to saying 'i love you' well, then all bets are off. I don't like betting. I'm always wrong. And it's only that hindsight where you realize your first instinct is wrong.
I love you. Wait. i think I do. I think this will work. Wait. no it won't.
i want a do over.
Yeah, so we were dating, and I did get really attached. I did fall in love. I kept that part to myself until it was too late.
Then she dumped me in order to sort out her emotional finances, which is my nice way of saying she didn't want to be with me anymore.
ok. no problem. I couldn't be mad at her for her reason. Nature is nature. You have to explore and walk around with a stick that you pretend is a sword.
And yes, i am giving veiled analogies for the real reason she left me.
But then she didn't really leave.
We still hung out. All the time.
She still came to The Monday Show every week.
She still slept over a lot because she hated being at her house. I didnt mind, because I still loved her and liked being around her.
And things were just like it was when we were dating, save for the intimacy.
That kind of sucked.
That really sucked.
We had a couple of moments where we did things that could be labeled as 'one last hurrah'
And that last hurrah, well the result of it will be bounding into the scary world in July and I am charged with protecting him and teaching him things.

There was a plan in place that involved Kim living with her Mom and taking care of baby. That plan is still in effect.
Where do I come in to the picture?
That, dear one, is a VERY good question.
The first half of the pregnancy has been wonderful.
Kim and I talked all the time and we were good friends. I was emotionally supportive, and I was all too happy to run errands for her like getting any and all food that she was craving at the time. When she was over, i did my best to make her comfortable. I was pretty good. She said so herself. It seemed like she was liking the idea of having me around.
About a week ago, she comes over and lets me know that she feels that she has been going at this all alone.
granted, I do not have what people would call 'A Normal Job' I know this. I am taking steps to correct it. I know a lot of men who have children who are far worse off than I am. Either in financial matters or in matters of involvement.
So the job thing is what I HOPE is the deal. I don't know. i have more or less been shut out the last week save for a couple of texts that are cordial and empty of anything resembling deep meaning. Which as we all know is what text messages are for...
I know myself, though. I know I am not my Father. I am a different beast altogether.
I show my emotions like a flasher. I expose embarrassing things about me that no one in their right mind would want out there. I'm going to be the absolute best father that I can be. My world is his now. And I am SO ok with that. I look at his ultrasound picture every day, several times a day. I smile every time. I'm scared. I'm impatient. i want to meet him right now. I want to sing to him and try and make him smile. I want him to feel safe. I just want to be there.
Maybe it is the hormones that is making Kim not want to talk or see me anymore. Or as little as possible. I hope it is just that.
I just wish that she had answers for me, whether I want to hear the answers or not. I feel really alone right now. And add to that, the butterflies of becoming so important to an innocent child, I feel like I'm losing my mind at times.

There is other stuff too. I walked around the Mall of America to cure diabetes. Linds, her Mom, Dad and Sister were there. Bill and Jena Young gave me a lift and we bitched about the early hours together. Legoland is fucking AMAZING now. Totally different from when Svet and I were there. When I am there next, i will take pictures.
We ended the walk by having a Cinnabon in all it's 'Fuck you, Glucose' glory.

The MNCS plugs along. Need established comics to try and bring people to see them perform. It's a lot like pulling teeth, that.

Started a new monthly show I call 'XANADU' It has 2 headlining comics, some guest sets and a band that plays an entire album all the way through.
The first show featured 'The Village Green Preservation Society' by The Kinks.
and Xanadu 2 was Weezer's Pinkerton Album.
There are times when i feel regret. Anyone who says they have no regrets is a bold faced liar. I don't care what you say.

This month, on the 24th, we have a band playing Tom Petty & The Heartbreaker's greatest hits. Should be a good time. Doing this show is teaching me a lot about producing.

We are doing another remount of JAWS THE MUSICAL! Maybe it isnt a remount. it has been 5 years since the last show in Indy.
And I re-wrote the script and added 8 pages. It is pretty good. it was pretty good. It's just better now.
April 14th is opening night. I have a great staff on board, and a great cast.
In all, it's going to be great. More on that soon.

I'm selling all of my action figures that I think may interest nerdy collectors. I always had them because I thought I could use them to send my kid to school. I have since seen the reality of it, and I know they could at least buy some baby things...
It's a first thing first thing.

Well. I think that is enough for now.

Stay Awesome until I have a wild hair and write more. At which time I will tell you again.

Andy