Whatever.

let me preface with a 'I am drunk as a sailor' type metaphor.

I have beside my little netbook computer a salad that goes by the name of 'Chef'
I got it from my friendly neighborhood super America, who goes by the cryptic name of 'Speedway' in other parts of the world.
'Speedway' is an Ojibwa word meaning 'you gave up on nutrition a long time ago'.
It is a block away from my house, so I would be remiss if i were to not shop there and stimulate my local economy.
Also, the points I have accrued are close to buying me a lake home. (not sure about that, but I am sure they offer it. Might have to check the brochure, though)

That being said, i am distracted by it. I haven't eaten anything today because my eating habits are wonky as of late because of all this pesky 'Emotion' that I have been enduring.
Christ on toast, i do hate being a fucking musical theatre nerd sometimes.
Give me Phantom before football or Secret Garden in front of beer.
I worry that one day my Son will think that Nascar and Fantasy football are real things.
I do admit one thing: Long before I knew that I would be a father, back when Waynes World was a new release... I was listening to the 'Starlight Express' Soundtrack, and I thought that the title track would be a wonderful thing to sing to my own child as a lullaby.
In admitting this, i have to kill you.
but there you go.

I was going to tell you about a thing I thought earlier today... Oh yes! I think it had something to do with where I am right now.
Darkness.
mysterious bleak and desolate darkness.
It has nothing to do with my personal bits of hoo ha which bore even the most patient of Tibetan Monk.
It's more of a rant about the world and people I love more than anything ever.
And since this is MY soapbox, I shall talk till the talking is talka talka talk.
(you ever write a word and think it looks odd? Even though you know it is right because spell check didn't underline it with a squidgy red line? Talk... talk. Talktalktalk... hmmm. I digress.
Ok, so here is where dude is right now:
Japan has a lot of shit going down. Earthquakes and Tsunami bullshit. Makes you wonder if we are next. god knows that America, as decadent as we are, are due for a natural disaster like a mo-fo. But here we are. Most of Japan is messed right the hell up. And yet people are STILL talking about how Charlie Sheen is being a dipshit.
The day after it happened, which technically was a handful of hours after it happened, there were more youtube videos floating around than stuff about one of those kardashian monsters. And that is hard to do. And also, i puked a bit in my mouth when i wrote about a kardashian. Those things have no place here on my soapbox, especially when i am talking about something as real as the tragedy that is building daily in Japan after their huge quake.
I wonder why people aren't freaking out more about it.
I mean, this stuff is obviously more devastating than Katrina was. Well, not to those affected by Katrina... But looking at the videos, and hearing the prospected numbers of those killed. jesus, guys. Imagine the shitstorm that would happen if it were to happen in, say, Chicago.
It boggles my mind. And I am in no state to offer opinion on anything except legoland at the Mall of America. (awesome, by the way.)
I don't pray very much. It isnt a rule, but I am not the prayin' type. However, i found myself talking to whatever God I thought would listen to me twice this week. once was for personal stuff regarding my son, and the other was for anyone within a thousand miles of anything related to Japan's earthquake.
I have no idea why this has affected me so much. Maybe because of all the other shit that is considered 'news' while this is going on. I don't know. I have a LOT of other stuff going on. I am really good at distracting myself. I have been immersed in episodes of MST3K like it is some sort of dialysis and if I don't see at least 2 hours of witty commentary on B movies, my liver will fail.
But even while I am one of the best people around when it comes to checking myself out of reality, I am constantly drawn to this horrendous chain of events. I am thinking about my own situation, selfishly of course, and that little enormous fact that 9 million people share a birthdate on planet Earth.
NINE MILLION.
And that is just a stupid wikipedia number. It grows daily.
My Son will share his own birthday with a ton of other people. And a big number of those people will have been affected by a tragedy like an earthquake in Japan. Or something like extreme poverty or illness that cannot be cured or hate or something that I cannot think about because my mind is cluttered with silly personal worry.
I apologize for freaking out, but ALL I can think about is what i am bringing my son into.
I fear for him. i want the world he is introduced to to be one of safety. Someplace where he can live a long and happy life filled with every opportunity. I am sure that each and every person who has a child feels these same fears. I'm like a broken record, and nothing I say is new or clever.
But i swear, knowing that the most important person in my life for the next bajillion years(since he and i will both live forever) It really is messing with my head.
I have been really immature thus far, and to have an event that slaps me across the face so hard like becoming a FATHER... it is something I just don't have a frame of reference for.
I think of my friend James, who is enlisting in the Military for the SECOND time, just to make sure his family is safe and secure... He is a fucking hero. I can't respect anyone more. It kills me that I cannot get to Indy to see him off. All because I need some stupid amount of hours at work so I can maybe buy some diapers one day in the future or pay a bill to a company that has millions.
I want to hug him and say how much he inspires me. Fuck you, world, for making money so damn critical. And Fuck ME for thinking that being responsible is more important.
Well anyway. I at least know where i would rather be. I never thought it would be Indianapolis.
At least can write him letters. There is that.
Know what I don't like being? An emotional wreck. That is a major bummer.
Kim didn't come to the show tonight.
She sent me a text saying that she was accepted for Insurance, though. It was the first time I heard from her in 4 days.
I wonder sometimes what is worse: being completely shut out from/by the mother of my child, or knowing that I will not be able to shield the child from the atrocities that happen in the world he is about to live in.
The only comfort I have is that I know myself well enough that I will try and help him understand everything that man is capable of. Even the completely shitty things. Just so he can be better.

I'm sorry that this was such a downer. I will not write when I'm drunk again.
Good show tonight. I wish you could have seen it. I got two great presents for the baby. One was a hand knit little bunny with very long ears. Just holding him makes you smile.
And the other was a two part recipient gift: A flip cam. For filming sets at The Monday and also for getting footage of Graham. That's him name, by the way.
Graham Atticus Kieffer Brynildson. That name means 'Badass' in latin.

Have a great today.
Andy