High Adventure that's beyond compare.

I am a mighty hunter.

You will now be graced with one of my many powerful sagas. Viking style.

Today I awoke to the sounds of MPR and talk of Sarah Palin's whoo whoo being unfit for bla bla bla.
The snooze button and I are close friends, even though sometimes I ignore the alarm altogether.
Today was my day off. So I tried to stay in bed.
But not for long. For today, I was destined to fight a beast of terror.
A demon from the pits of hell itself. Sent by the dark lord to avenge all of the times I have been nice to kids or listened to the stories of the elderly with patience and even interest.
The Devil, just this morning was looking through his day planner at the one event he had been counting down to for what to him/her must have seemed like eternity.
Today was 'Fuck with Andy Day'
He even used an orange highlighter(my own personal favourite, just to be ironic), circling the event that was to take place in my home.
He could have sent a three headed dog or zombie versions of relatives long since passed.
Instead, the clever Devil sent the equivalent to a hallmark card of the animal kingdom.

A baby squirrel.

I was minding my own business, heating up some 'easyMac' in the magic electro-radiation oven.
I would go into my love of pre-packaged food where all that is needed of you is to add water and wait three and a half minutes, but that is for another blog. I am a hunter. And you need to hear my tale.

I hopped back into the living room to see when the actual date of the end of the world was according to Nostradamus. I was watching the History channel. They were stalling, because the show was supposed to be like two hours.
I could wait. For I am a mighty hunter.
So I head back into the kitchen, but before I even left the living room, I saw him. Or her. It could have been a girl.
The Squirrel.
It was running into the kitchen.
My cat, Selina Kyle-Freedom Cat-Brynildson was watching it with fear. She is an inside cat. Therefore, useless.

'Oh Fuck me! There is a Squirrel in the house!"

I run to Chris's door and tell him the news. I want to say he started crying, but I think he was on the phone.
I run to my room, which is between the kitchen(squirrel) and myself(hunter)
I grab my favourite sword and head into battle.
The squirrel is trying desperately to get the hell out of there, knowing that I am not scared at all.
It was behind the radiator. Next to the wine rack. Under the Jaws clock.
Chris shows up with a hockey stick. His tears were dried now, and he was ready for battle.

"We need a net" Said Chris.

"We need a gun" I replied. "Wait, I have an idea!"
I ran into my room and produced a roll of gauze type fabric that was a remnant of an art project I never finished.
"Let's use this as a net."
"Good plan. I'll drive it out from behind the radiator."
The hockey stick, when used by one who actually knows how to use it on the ice, can be a formidable weapon. However, when it is being used to drive a little squirrel from behind a place where there normally are not squirrels, by a guy who is just a bit on edge because there is a fucking Squirrel in the house, not so useful.
The beast climbed up the cord for the clock, and into the wine rack.
I had done a few dishes earlier, while waiting for my easy mac to heat up. So there were clean glasses drying in top of the rack.

"That fucker is inside the wine rack. It's gonna break some glasses!" I told Chris.
" Not on my watch!" Chris heroically said back. "I'll tap the rack until he comes out"

He did this, and in doing so, made the already scared Squirrel even more scared. It jumped out onto the counter, leaped over the sink and landed on the floor into the laundry room.
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"

I forgot to tell you that I had grabbed both of my laundry baskets that were full of clean clothes I have been meaning to fold and put into the dresser for some time now. I dumped out the clothes onto the bed and was thinking of using them as a cage to imprison the Hellish abomination of fuzzy-tailed baby-Squirrel.
So I did that earlier.

The Squirrel was climbing up a laundry bag and trying to get a hold of anything that would make it have the higher ground.
But in the end, it just gave up and hid behind a pipe leading to the upstairs apartment.
But we could see it. It wasn't moving.
"Maybe we should spray it with water to get it out?" asked/suggested Chris (who was sitting on top of the washing machine with his hockey stick)
"But then it might get cold when we get it outside."
"Who the fuck cares?! You were going to stab it with the sword"
While the thought did originally cross my mind, I soon realized that I was not going to be able to live with myself if I stabbed a baby Squirrel with a sword.

"I was not! I just wanted to maintain dominance over it."
"Maybe it wants to be our new roommate? Do we have a spray bottle?"
I looked for one, but all I found were spray bottles with stuff inside them.
"Only ones with Chemicals still inside them. They might kill it."
Chris looked at a bottle of Orange scented cleaner and read the label.
"Chris, are you looking for the warning about spraying woodland creatures? I don't think it has one."
"ok. Get me a glass of water"
I get the glass and he starts flicking water at the scared little thing. It sinks deep into the corner and is making a lot of pissed off sounds.
"It's making a lot of pissed off sounds, Dude." I say, not wanting it to have a heart attack.
Then Chris spills the water all over the top of the washer and his pants.
"God damned Squirrel. You shouldn't be in here. Ok. I'll try to get him out with the stick"
Chris poked and prodded the little guy for what seemed like an hour, but it wouldn't move.
I took the gauze-type stuff and threw it over the Squirrel as best I could.
"Good!" said Chris. "You got it over him! Now I will try and get him caught in it."

Chris didn't really do much to get him caught in the fabric, but instead stayed on the washer and poked the Squirrel some more with the hockey stick.
"You really should stop making him make those sounds, Chris. It's freaking me out."
"Now! Put the laundry basket over it!"
I did it, and somehow, the Squirrel was trapped. But it was a little guy, so it was sticking way too much of it's head and feet/hands out of the holes in the basket.
"It's gonna get out! what the fuck do we do?!" I might have shown a little fear in my voice just then...
" Dude. I don't know! this is my first squirrel. lets just pull it outside."
"If we do that, it will get out the bottom and then it will get out and run into your room and eat you in the night"
"Fuck that."
"We need something flat to slide underneath it, then get it outside"
I went to the kitchen and found nothing useful. Then I had a bit of inspiration.
"Use the gauze type stuff to make a bottom to the cage!"
" It keeps making that noise. I think it hates us."
I grab the extra fabric and make it so the laundry basket is contained and that the Squirrel can't get through. All without being bitten by it and becoming a Squirrel myself at night. Because that is what happens.
We take the basket/fabric/Squirrel out the back door and Chris gives me the whole thing after I assure him I have it all secure. The Squirrel is gripping the fabric that is taught over the opening of the basket. Chris looks at him: "He isn't very big."

"You wanted to kill him."
"No I didn't. you did."
"Well, I am glad it didn't come to that. I was just protecting you. He's safe now. We all are.
I'll let him go."

I throw the basket into some lowlying bushes and the Squirrel quickly climbs a fence and stares at us.

"Please don't come back in our house." I tell him.

All this seemed like it took all day long, but when we got back inside, the easyMac was still hot.
And they still hadn't figured out when Nostradamus said the world was going to end.

Maybe they never will. Not with Mighty Hunters like Chris and I on the job.

Stay Awesome.

Andy