making peace, also- a celebration

I told Kim how that last thing made me feel.
In her defense, she did apologize. But she also told me that she has been seeing her ex on a regular basis. So there is that.

I sound dramatic on a daily basis, and this will be no different. So you have been warned.
All I can be from this point on is the best Father I can be to my Son.
I am doing all these cliche things that I know people will mock me for. I look at parents with their children, and i smile.
I see all these kids in different age groups, and I visualize how much cooler Graham is going to be.
I think of movies I like or songs I think are part of my soundtrack, and i can't wait to share them with him.
I need to meet him.
I need to look into his eyes and tell him that no matter what, I'm totally his. And I really need him to look right back into mine and do that thing babies do to tell their very nervous dad that they will forgive any screw up as long as they keep that promise of being there for them.

I loved Kim as best I could. I have faults out the wazoo, so there isn't any anger on my end.
but I am ready to stop lighting that candle in my window, hoping that she might change her mind and want to be a family. I'll just end up diving deeper and deeper into a place that will end with me being the worst person for graham to be around.
I know that at some point, I would realize that it isn't about me anymore. maybe it's now, maybe it is yet to come and I am just having a brief moment of clarity. I have no idea.
There is so much going on inside Brainpan Andy that I cannot keep a thought going for more than a few minutes.
Save for that one.
That being the best Dad I can be, come on, keep up...
Kim can be with who she wants, and I can do my Andy thing.

On a completely different note:

Today marks the 4th year of the Monday Night Comedy Show.
I should write more about it, but I teared up in writing my latest facebook post. I'd rather not go to sleep with crazy emotions running amok.
I'll just say this-
Work on something for 175 times. give it a few hours of thought each time you do it. Let people you care about help you with that something to make it great. Something people other than yourself care about. accept the fact that people you respect feel that your something is worth a damn, and they thank you for putting in the time to make it a thing to look forward to. Then call that something The Monday Night Comedy Show.
I'll be at my show tonight, giving a damn about the one thing I am good at- making people I care about laugh.


Cue music, and fade to the Stay Awesome...


Andy

Is this all you've got, God? It's me, Andy

Yo.

I have become a wicked lazy dude when it comes to blogging. I don't think anyone reads this one anyway. Not since I moved to that other site that I didn't even own.
And you know what that got me? A lot of posts that are completely lost now. Yay!

So if you read anything on that other site, Yesandy dot com, you were privy to info that is lost to the ages. I'm sure almost 10% of it was pretty good, too.

Well, now I have no documentation to prove I existed then.

Oh well. Onwards and moving forth and such.

Here is today's thingy:

I have been super responsible father of the child lately. It isn't big news, it's just something that i think is important. So I have been doing my part and showing Kim that I am worth a damn, but if you read this, you know that really doesn't mean anything.
We have good days and bad days.
And usually, I can just pass everything off as hormones or me not being a bleep on her radar.
Whatever, my life sucks, blah blah blah.
Today I took the bus to her house to pick up her car and get the tires replaced.
She hit a mondo pot hole a couple nights ago and blew out her back tire.
Messed up her rim too.
But I was just happy that she was safe and that the only bad thing that happened was her burrito got cold. (which she saw as the worst part of the night)
There is more to the story, but we need to get to todays drama, or it might expire.
I get to her house and she shows me a lot of neat things that one of her friends had given her for Graham. They were lovely. However everything is trumped by my Lindsey McDonald Dorsey, who purchased Graham the crib we registered for at Target. Seriously. That totally sets the bar pretty high for my family members, who I thought might get the bigger stuff. (But there is still that sweet transport crib and breast pump...)

So a HUGE thanks to Linds. Love you to the moon.

Where was I?
Oh yeah. I was at her house.
I entered her room and saw her nice big bed she got recently and noticed something that made my heart break.
We have matching framed pictures of Graham's first ultrasound. (I actually have 4 framed ultrasound pics all around my room)
Stuck in the frame's corner was a strip of photobooth pictures of Kim and her ex (guy before me.) One of those nice ones where you are having a good time and kissing and sticking your tongue out at each other. good times.
He's the guy who was abusive to her.
And maybe I shouldn't make this public. Maybe I should keep it all inside and explode over some tiny thing somewhere down the line. maybe i am an asshole to bring it up.
Perhaps I deserve everything that she has put me through in the last few months.

But you know what?

I don't fucking hit girls. or anyone I care about. And on a side note, I don't have any pictures of ex girlfriends on the ultrasound photo's of my unborn child. that isn't a choice I would make.

So that is something i am thinking about while I try to get some sleep. And I am sure it will seep into tomorrow.
I think I have an ulcer now, but am too poor to see a doctor to find out if it's just in my head.

On that note, if anyone has any work for me, I'll take it. Anything. I'll clean up puke if needed. i need some insurance for my son who is due in 10 weeks.




Goodnight.

Andy

ps- I don't like going to bed angry at things I can't change. I feel completely useless.

I broke my own rule of never editing.


I also gave up on my comedy show tonight.

I will never forgive myself for either of those things.

at wits end.

All I want is to talk to the Mother of my child about my child.
I really don't think that is too much to ask.

I have never been so sad about anything than this radio silence.

Maybe seeing her more would help.

or feeling him kick more than once.

I can't do this much longer.

This could prove dangerous.

Just downloaded the mobile app for das blog... Dont worry, it will just be used for pictures. I dont like the touchscreen much.

The poster that doug kallberg made for the show is pretty rad.

Ok. Bye for now.

Andy

If I were in a movie, it would be called 'Rando'

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux"

Pretty pretentious, having a quote in French without any explanation.
But alas, here we are.

My writing has been Baby-Heavy lately, just like my thoughts.
I get these emails from 'What to expect dot com', which I call my Baby nerd website.
Though Lise might cringe, as she steered me away from the book of the same name (sans the dot com)
And she was right, By the way. That book is BRUTAL. Everything you want to hear, but with 100 pounds of 'This is the stuff that can go wrong and probably will' added to it.
I told Kim to not read it because I trust Lisa's word. I, however, was curious. I wish I hadn't.

So today i find out that my child can hear everything and can also do Math and stuff.
The self deprecating part of me decides that he is already smarter than me in every way. I'm just feeling low because I found out that I didnt get a job I really wanted. Something that would pay well, and give great benefits to both Kim and to Graham.
I felt like a total failure.
I still do.
I know that doing theater and producing shows will never actually make any money. I was just hoping that doing it for 4 years might give me some kind of discernible skill. Sadly, no.

Anyway, I ended the night with a really good MNCS. I haven't felt good about a show in at least a month. Well, at least on my end. Haven't felt funny lately, i guess.
Everything I did felt forced. I think that one thing that helped was that i talked with Kim today. We were due to have late lunch after she got off of work. but work for her today was crazy nuts, so she called to give me a heads up. maybe she was just in a calm in the storm, but I like to think she used up all of her break just to talk to me. She told me about her lunch with her Dad, and that 'My' Son has been keeping her up all the time due to kicking. She always says 'your Son' when it is an annoying thing for her. I am strangely ok with that. :)
I told her I didn't get the job, and she acknowledged it. It made me feel a bit better. I don't know why. Maybe because it's Her, and i want her to know that I AM looking. I'm trying. But like I said, Four years of hosting a Comedy Show doesn't mean anything in the Job-world.
I hope to grow up, but I don't want my Son to think that wasting away in a corporate world is what it's like to be an adult.

And it's things like that that make me think I will be a bad father...

I swear I won't mention the word 'Craft' in any way but ironic. But I hope above all things that he gets Kim's visual art abilities and my whatever I have to offer.
Maybe he will be very good at worrying. Or a working knowledge of which starship Enterprise was featured in which series or motion picture.
I think I need to read more. Maybe take a continuing education class on excel or powerpoint.

What did you do today, Andy?
Oh, i felt sorry for myself most of the time. Spoke with the Mother of my child for a bit. That cheered me up a little, and then I worked on the Monday show stuff and made a female shark costume for JAws The Musical... A point of interest was when I was peeling layers of elmers glue off my fingers and pretending that it was skin while screaming in fake pain to no one in particular. In a British accent (which is my go-to voice in my head)
You know, normal stuff.
My Boy doesn't have a chance.

Oh, today my blood sugar got so low because of not eating that for some reason my left hand started to shake uncontrollably. that was odd.
For five minutes straight, I thought I had the beginning stages of Parkinson's Disease. To the point where I did online research.
And then, after I had finally eaten something and the shaking went away, i started doing some looking into leprosy because I was pulling chunks of elmers glue off my hands. And that evolved into schizophrenia research because for some reason I talk to myself in a British accent. Everything comes full circle, I swear to you.

Again, my boy doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of being normal. But He WILL be interesting...

In other news, tonight was out 167th show. And it was a great one. No one heckled me to shut up, which I see as a triumph.
Jason kruger did a 5 minute set that everyone enjoyed, and we had a fun lineup in addition. Kate Urquhart is my favorite MNCS Comic in residence. That is where we have someone do 5 all new minutes of jokes each week.
It is one of those things I think of at random and it happened to work. I have people asking about doing it at least every other week. (and to be honest, I did it so the audience wouldn't get bored hearing the same jokes over and over) But it also challenges the comics who do it. Kate really works hard, and comes up with great stuff. If I can make it so the show is ONLY new stuff, I will be a very happy dude.
But coming up with 5 new minutes a week is no small feat. I am happy with people trying is all. I want my audience to keep coming back with the thought 'What will happen this week?'
And I certainly don't want Linds, Jason or Roni to be bored. The show needs them too much.

Ok, so this was a very ranty-tangent post.
Basically, I wanted to stress how much i dislike making shark costumes. I don't think I made that clear.
Still, I am pretty good at it. If making shark costumes that look like they were made by a three year old with a working knowledge of shitty costumes should look like is a skill.
Target corp should have a department devoted to just that.

Until that happens, keep reading and stay awesome.

Andy

I was thinking of my Son. So I thought I should write about it.

This Blog is brought to you by the letter H for 'Haugie' and the number 11 because I like it.

Why? What did Haugie do to inspire the typy type? Oh, she wrote a blog after 3 years of being lame and not writing a blog.
So look at the link to the right of this and find her blog, read it. Comment on it. And tell her to keep at it.

In our last chapter, I was very very drunk and should not have been writing.
Alas, I do not edit my bits until Simon & Shuster come a knocking and tell me to trim the fat.

Oh, speaking of fat, I am on a diet. No more eating like an asshole. I think today is day 8 of that. Cant be sure. I'd have to check my little calendar that I keep in my coat pocket. i write everything down in it, as my brain has turned to mush in my extreme old age.
But that coat is almost ten feet away, and I cannot be bothered with long trips right now.
So yeah. Losing the weight of the world in my belly.
We will see how long it lasts.
Next up: Quitting smoking.
Soon, Mon. Soon...
I would like to have been at least a month smoke free before my Son arrives.
It seems I would like to see him reach adulthood without that pesky cancer.

Haugies blog was nice and inspiring. Something that I think my own writing lacks. At least recently. I mean, if you take out the five months that I stopped writing altogether and include the last 3 or so years.
Yeah, I've been a kind of bummer.
She reminded me that I don't need to be melancholy all the time when writing. Even when there is some major scary things going on in one's life.
And I don't think there is anything scarier than Andy brynildson becoming a father.

I have a lot of nice friends who assure me that i will be great at it.
I trust them. Mostly.
I know myself. Meaning, i know where I stand in relation to God, Politics and Social things.
I am rubbish at relationships, but then, so is everyone in my family to some degree, i think. I realize that I need to stop looking at the history of my family as some sort of curse that I am doomed to repeat. I think that if I pass along anything to my Son, it will be all good things. Maybe heavy on the whole 'dreamer' aspect, but that certainly isn't something to be ashamed of.
One thing, above all, I hope that he is kind.
And that he understands the importance of clean laundry. Maybe he will develop an odd fascination with how dryer exhaust smells and makes you happy.
Or he could be normal, and not like the old man...

Either way, I'm going to be around for him. I hope he likes me.

More soon.

Stay Awesome and things like that.

Andy

Whatever.

let me preface with a 'I am drunk as a sailor' type metaphor.

I have beside my little netbook computer a salad that goes by the name of 'Chef'
I got it from my friendly neighborhood super America, who goes by the cryptic name of 'Speedway' in other parts of the world.
'Speedway' is an Ojibwa word meaning 'you gave up on nutrition a long time ago'.
It is a block away from my house, so I would be remiss if i were to not shop there and stimulate my local economy.
Also, the points I have accrued are close to buying me a lake home. (not sure about that, but I am sure they offer it. Might have to check the brochure, though)

That being said, i am distracted by it. I haven't eaten anything today because my eating habits are wonky as of late because of all this pesky 'Emotion' that I have been enduring.
Christ on toast, i do hate being a fucking musical theatre nerd sometimes.
Give me Phantom before football or Secret Garden in front of beer.
I worry that one day my Son will think that Nascar and Fantasy football are real things.
I do admit one thing: Long before I knew that I would be a father, back when Waynes World was a new release... I was listening to the 'Starlight Express' Soundtrack, and I thought that the title track would be a wonderful thing to sing to my own child as a lullaby.
In admitting this, i have to kill you.
but there you go.

I was going to tell you about a thing I thought earlier today... Oh yes! I think it had something to do with where I am right now.
Darkness.
mysterious bleak and desolate darkness.
It has nothing to do with my personal bits of hoo ha which bore even the most patient of Tibetan Monk.
It's more of a rant about the world and people I love more than anything ever.
And since this is MY soapbox, I shall talk till the talking is talka talka talk.
(you ever write a word and think it looks odd? Even though you know it is right because spell check didn't underline it with a squidgy red line? Talk... talk. Talktalktalk... hmmm. I digress.
Ok, so here is where dude is right now:
Japan has a lot of shit going down. Earthquakes and Tsunami bullshit. Makes you wonder if we are next. god knows that America, as decadent as we are, are due for a natural disaster like a mo-fo. But here we are. Most of Japan is messed right the hell up. And yet people are STILL talking about how Charlie Sheen is being a dipshit.
The day after it happened, which technically was a handful of hours after it happened, there were more youtube videos floating around than stuff about one of those kardashian monsters. And that is hard to do. And also, i puked a bit in my mouth when i wrote about a kardashian. Those things have no place here on my soapbox, especially when i am talking about something as real as the tragedy that is building daily in Japan after their huge quake.
I wonder why people aren't freaking out more about it.
I mean, this stuff is obviously more devastating than Katrina was. Well, not to those affected by Katrina... But looking at the videos, and hearing the prospected numbers of those killed. jesus, guys. Imagine the shitstorm that would happen if it were to happen in, say, Chicago.
It boggles my mind. And I am in no state to offer opinion on anything except legoland at the Mall of America. (awesome, by the way.)
I don't pray very much. It isnt a rule, but I am not the prayin' type. However, i found myself talking to whatever God I thought would listen to me twice this week. once was for personal stuff regarding my son, and the other was for anyone within a thousand miles of anything related to Japan's earthquake.
I have no idea why this has affected me so much. Maybe because of all the other shit that is considered 'news' while this is going on. I don't know. I have a LOT of other stuff going on. I am really good at distracting myself. I have been immersed in episodes of MST3K like it is some sort of dialysis and if I don't see at least 2 hours of witty commentary on B movies, my liver will fail.
But even while I am one of the best people around when it comes to checking myself out of reality, I am constantly drawn to this horrendous chain of events. I am thinking about my own situation, selfishly of course, and that little enormous fact that 9 million people share a birthdate on planet Earth.
NINE MILLION.
And that is just a stupid wikipedia number. It grows daily.
My Son will share his own birthday with a ton of other people. And a big number of those people will have been affected by a tragedy like an earthquake in Japan. Or something like extreme poverty or illness that cannot be cured or hate or something that I cannot think about because my mind is cluttered with silly personal worry.
I apologize for freaking out, but ALL I can think about is what i am bringing my son into.
I fear for him. i want the world he is introduced to to be one of safety. Someplace where he can live a long and happy life filled with every opportunity. I am sure that each and every person who has a child feels these same fears. I'm like a broken record, and nothing I say is new or clever.
But i swear, knowing that the most important person in my life for the next bajillion years(since he and i will both live forever) It really is messing with my head.
I have been really immature thus far, and to have an event that slaps me across the face so hard like becoming a FATHER... it is something I just don't have a frame of reference for.
I think of my friend James, who is enlisting in the Military for the SECOND time, just to make sure his family is safe and secure... He is a fucking hero. I can't respect anyone more. It kills me that I cannot get to Indy to see him off. All because I need some stupid amount of hours at work so I can maybe buy some diapers one day in the future or pay a bill to a company that has millions.
I want to hug him and say how much he inspires me. Fuck you, world, for making money so damn critical. And Fuck ME for thinking that being responsible is more important.
Well anyway. I at least know where i would rather be. I never thought it would be Indianapolis.
At least can write him letters. There is that.
Know what I don't like being? An emotional wreck. That is a major bummer.
Kim didn't come to the show tonight.
She sent me a text saying that she was accepted for Insurance, though. It was the first time I heard from her in 4 days.
I wonder sometimes what is worse: being completely shut out from/by the mother of my child, or knowing that I will not be able to shield the child from the atrocities that happen in the world he is about to live in.
The only comfort I have is that I know myself well enough that I will try and help him understand everything that man is capable of. Even the completely shitty things. Just so he can be better.

I'm sorry that this was such a downer. I will not write when I'm drunk again.
Good show tonight. I wish you could have seen it. I got two great presents for the baby. One was a hand knit little bunny with very long ears. Just holding him makes you smile.
And the other was a two part recipient gift: A flip cam. For filming sets at The Monday and also for getting footage of Graham. That's him name, by the way.
Graham Atticus Kieffer Brynildson. That name means 'Badass' in latin.

Have a great today.
Andy

Sheepishly, he enters with head low so you won't notice

March, eh?
How about that!
Seems like only yesterday that I was doing something...
Ok. Yeah. You are right. It has been a shit ton of a long time.
So what brings me back?
Lots of things. One, I don't own the domain of Yesandy dot com. And since I don't own it, I don't feel comfortable writing in it. I also don't remember the password. I went through some computer troubles a while ago, and the batcomputer spy machine that I usually use had to be wiped and some other bits that are way too technical for even science. Well, my kind of science. Which is at a steady 10th grade level.
Anyhow, I am back here.
But it really isn't a huge deal, since i haven't written any kind of update since 2010. To say that things have changed would be an affront to the word 'change'
I could re-cap, but my brain is fuzzy on the whirlwind, so instead I will just keep on plugging like I never went away. Cool? Very.

The most important thing I can say about myself for the rest of my life is that I am a father.
Well, soon to be. July 15th is the due date for a little baby Boy.
Now, yes, this is a really huge thing.
It's a human being.
A little version of half of me.
Daunting? Yes.
Exciting? You bet.
I'm at a loss as to what else to write about this. I mean, I know myself pretty well. I know what my faults are, and I know all sorts of stuff about me that I never let anyone know. Not even the closest of the close.

He will probably be an only child, but in a few ways, we have a lot of things in common, which I think will bring us closer together and help develop a relationship that I don't have with my own Dad.
Come, let me list the ways. Join me, won't you?
1)Boy. It's a Boy. Child is the Father of the Man. I am a boy. I was. Am. Are. We. Together, we are dudes.
2)Age separation. Kind of an odd list item, but bear with me. I am closest in age to my Brother, Matt. But by 12 years. Now, this little guy will have TONS of cousins. By Blood and by code of the streets. I ended up finding out the kind of guy I am as an only child. My siblings were all older than me, and i only got to see them on very special weekends where they didn't mind having me around. I like to think that they were mercy visits in order to get me away from my Dad and Step Mom for a bit. A fact that I am almost sure saved my life on more than a few occasions.
3)The nature of the parenting that is going to happen. What? i know, right? ok, so I am not married. In fact, i doubt that I ever will get married at this point. I mean, i have a kid. er. am having. About to have. I am with child as it were. The logistics of things are a bit on the far out side of the spectrum.
It is so different, that I will now end the listing of things and start talking about this. It's kind of important to the story.
Kim is the name of the Mom.
She is a wonderful woman, who I dated for a few months last year.
Now, with Kim, I was playing it safer than I had ever done. Meaning, i was being a nancy and not calling it what it was: Boyfriend/Girlfriend. I wasn't scared of commitment. I mean, i like being in a relationship. I just have trust issues. And not that I was thinking she would cheat on me, it's the breaking up that sucks. If it happens. And the moment you open yourself up to saying 'i love you' well, then all bets are off. I don't like betting. I'm always wrong. And it's only that hindsight where you realize your first instinct is wrong.
I love you. Wait. i think I do. I think this will work. Wait. no it won't.
i want a do over.
Yeah, so we were dating, and I did get really attached. I did fall in love. I kept that part to myself until it was too late.
Then she dumped me in order to sort out her emotional finances, which is my nice way of saying she didn't want to be with me anymore.
ok. no problem. I couldn't be mad at her for her reason. Nature is nature. You have to explore and walk around with a stick that you pretend is a sword.
And yes, i am giving veiled analogies for the real reason she left me.
But then she didn't really leave.
We still hung out. All the time.
She still came to The Monday Show every week.
She still slept over a lot because she hated being at her house. I didnt mind, because I still loved her and liked being around her.
And things were just like it was when we were dating, save for the intimacy.
That kind of sucked.
That really sucked.
We had a couple of moments where we did things that could be labeled as 'one last hurrah'
And that last hurrah, well the result of it will be bounding into the scary world in July and I am charged with protecting him and teaching him things.

There was a plan in place that involved Kim living with her Mom and taking care of baby. That plan is still in effect.
Where do I come in to the picture?
That, dear one, is a VERY good question.
The first half of the pregnancy has been wonderful.
Kim and I talked all the time and we were good friends. I was emotionally supportive, and I was all too happy to run errands for her like getting any and all food that she was craving at the time. When she was over, i did my best to make her comfortable. I was pretty good. She said so herself. It seemed like she was liking the idea of having me around.
About a week ago, she comes over and lets me know that she feels that she has been going at this all alone.
granted, I do not have what people would call 'A Normal Job' I know this. I am taking steps to correct it. I know a lot of men who have children who are far worse off than I am. Either in financial matters or in matters of involvement.
So the job thing is what I HOPE is the deal. I don't know. i have more or less been shut out the last week save for a couple of texts that are cordial and empty of anything resembling deep meaning. Which as we all know is what text messages are for...
I know myself, though. I know I am not my Father. I am a different beast altogether.
I show my emotions like a flasher. I expose embarrassing things about me that no one in their right mind would want out there. I'm going to be the absolute best father that I can be. My world is his now. And I am SO ok with that. I look at his ultrasound picture every day, several times a day. I smile every time. I'm scared. I'm impatient. i want to meet him right now. I want to sing to him and try and make him smile. I want him to feel safe. I just want to be there.
Maybe it is the hormones that is making Kim not want to talk or see me anymore. Or as little as possible. I hope it is just that.
I just wish that she had answers for me, whether I want to hear the answers or not. I feel really alone right now. And add to that, the butterflies of becoming so important to an innocent child, I feel like I'm losing my mind at times.

There is other stuff too. I walked around the Mall of America to cure diabetes. Linds, her Mom, Dad and Sister were there. Bill and Jena Young gave me a lift and we bitched about the early hours together. Legoland is fucking AMAZING now. Totally different from when Svet and I were there. When I am there next, i will take pictures.
We ended the walk by having a Cinnabon in all it's 'Fuck you, Glucose' glory.

The MNCS plugs along. Need established comics to try and bring people to see them perform. It's a lot like pulling teeth, that.

Started a new monthly show I call 'XANADU' It has 2 headlining comics, some guest sets and a band that plays an entire album all the way through.
The first show featured 'The Village Green Preservation Society' by The Kinks.
and Xanadu 2 was Weezer's Pinkerton Album.
There are times when i feel regret. Anyone who says they have no regrets is a bold faced liar. I don't care what you say.

This month, on the 24th, we have a band playing Tom Petty & The Heartbreaker's greatest hits. Should be a good time. Doing this show is teaching me a lot about producing.

We are doing another remount of JAWS THE MUSICAL! Maybe it isnt a remount. it has been 5 years since the last show in Indy.
And I re-wrote the script and added 8 pages. It is pretty good. it was pretty good. It's just better now.
April 14th is opening night. I have a great staff on board, and a great cast.
In all, it's going to be great. More on that soon.

I'm selling all of my action figures that I think may interest nerdy collectors. I always had them because I thought I could use them to send my kid to school. I have since seen the reality of it, and I know they could at least buy some baby things...
It's a first thing first thing.

Well. I think that is enough for now.

Stay Awesome until I have a wild hair and write more. At which time I will tell you again.

Andy