Not an update. Just what is on my mind at 2:30am

I once wrote a long time ago that Indianapolis was the city I ran away from.
But I keep coming back. I always come back.
And while I was growing up here, I hated it. That is why I ran away. And it's like I never stopped running.
But the more I think about what this town means to me, the more I realize that I need it in my life. I need the people here. The ones that matter. Parks and lakes and museums and libraries are all the same in the end. It's always about where you feel at home.
I feel the pull of both the cities. Minneapolis, where my Mom lives. My sisters. My oldest niece is only two hours away. She is starting her adult life well, and she is already a dear friend of mine. There are four kids there that I love very much. Annika, parker, Anders & Annalesa. I like being able to watch them grow up. See them succeed and become persons that I would be happy to hang out with and do anything for.
I have regular haunts that I go to on regular occasions. Some not enough, some to often to be healthy.
I love it there. the arts and music. The weather, albeit a harsh bitch of a mistress is great.
And the friends are supportive and good. There is more to say about them, but I know they know I care a great deal for them.

And Indianapolis. I talk shit about it a lot because I'm usually doing it to make friends laugh. The truth is, i like it here too. I talk shit before anyone else has a chance to. Because if they started up, I would tear them down. Visit here for a while and check it out before you start the mockery.
yeah, there are hicks and rednecks and uneducated people. But what place doesn't have that?
Hell, a selling point on Indy is the lack of Passive Aggressiveness. There are few things I despise more than that.
Rednecks can be taught to wear a suit and appreciate Bach. Passive aggressive people are untrainable.
Which leads me to a point.
Tonight I made an offhand comment about Indy. It upset someone I love very much, and I feel I will be making amends for a while to come.
I have a great respect for anyone who can leave home and randomly make a new one in a place where they don't know anyone.
The terror that rises in me at the thought of such a major life change is crippling to even think about.
Indianapolis is my best kept secret.
The people I stay with when down here, are guarded even closer. They are mine. And I let precious few know much about them. let alone meet the people who are my family here.
I told Amanda tonight that I am torn between two cities. It kills me to leave here every time. And having found love here that means so much hurts even more because I am a coward.
I hate that about myself. It burdens me so much to feel I have to choose between the two.
The only thing stopping me is really and truly just me. I am my own worst enemy. literally. I wouldn't know what to do with happiness if it stabbed me in the head and I somehow had all the necessary medical training to fix and to stitch.
I wonder if that made any sense? It is pretty late here, and I am emotionally a mess while i am typing this.
I'm just a mess. I don't remember a time in recent memory when I had my shit together.
I'm certainly not going to figure anything out by blogging about it.
And I'm not going to have it all figured out by a good nights sleep.
In fact, I probably wont ever know what to do next with any degree of certainty.
I just wanted you to know that I like it here. Even if I say I don't.
Tomorrow is going to be another sunny day, and I will be sad about something and I will be happy about something. I will worry, and i will be calm. I'll laugh, and I'll probably regret everything I have ever done. I have ups and downs in any city I live in. I just wish one thing at 11:11pm every night: to wake up somewhere the next day & maybe hold someone's hand as I walk out a door.
Anyway, Indy is alright & so is Minneapolis.
They both help me in different ways.
Stay Awesome.
Andy