On Beginning an Adventure.

Aside from the points in the trip where a water buffalo or The Loch Ness Monster crosses the tracks, making us have to slow down to a mere five miles an hour, the trip has been…Something.
The first leg of the journey was spent sleeping, as I opted out the night before because of a dire need to pack. I was transported to St. Paul Midway station by a very bleary eyed Big Strong Mike. Many thanks again for helping me out with the ride. I was placed in the very last car on the 10+ car train. It seemed to stretch for a mile. I was able to hunker down next to a not old enough to get a discounted coffee, but not young enough to put off thinking about AARP Lady. I am sure she is getting pamphlets. I can tell she wants to talk to me. But the joke is on her. I'm going to sleep on her shoulder and make her tell me it's all going to be ok. And then we will talk about girls we like and what movies we want to go see. She's gonna hate me by trips end.*
As it turned out, on the MSP to Chicago ride on Amtrak’s EMPIRE BUILDER, there are a few ‘smoke stops’ The first was in Winona, and the train was just a bit longer than the , what do you call them? Tarmack? Sidewalk? Razor Awesome Wallaby Chill Spot? We were told to go back up the stairs (as our train was a fancy train with two levels and free Kleenex tissues. Seriously. I could have stolen fifteen boxes and Amtrak would still have enough to give the planet a box or two. There seems to be piles of them everywhere. I think Amtrak is having an affair with Costco. When I got out of the train for a smoke, I noticed that three train cars (Including my own) were stopped well before the street we were blocking. The line of cars kept getting longer. The glares we got from the drivers more menacing. What were we to do? I suppose I could have asked the Engineer to scootch the train up the track about 400 feet, but would he or she even listen? And anyway, where do people from Winona need to get to so fast on a Tuesday Morning? The liquor store. That is where. They could wait five minutes.
I did call my niece to tell her that the last five minutes she just experienced were wasted on not meeting me on some street in Winona. Instead, I am sure she was on her way to a liquor store like the postman and the 50 minivans filled with screaming kids who wanted to go to the pool. And the liquor store to buy blunts and some peach Schnapps.
The next break was in Milwaukee (I missed a few due to napping) When we got on the train in Minneapolis, the nice Man who I decided I wanted to like despite my aversion to people with personalities so early in the AM, told us to stick close by the train during smoke breaks. Seemed like a reasonable request. It was nice enough of them to allow for a deplorable habit shared by only a few to even be recognized during a trip. Well, in Milwaukee, a woman decided to take a walk during the smoke break. A very very long walk. In fact, her walk was so long, I think a few of us thought she worked for the Train Guild and was going to go work on some switches or other train related business.
The ‘All Aboard!” was screamed out into a very hot and Humid Milwaukee train depot sky. Wayward Pigeons flew out, startled, from rusted beams overhead. However, the lady on her walkabout did not hear. She was off in the distance, almost half the length of the train away.
All the people were back on the train by now. Isaac, the likeable fellow mentioned earlier (‘Just like the love boat, only it’s a LoveTtrain!’ His words.) He finally noticed her, and said: ‘Oh Hell. I’m just gonna leave that Bitch’ I laughed, because I am prone to do that when funny stuff is muttered.
But he was too nice, and by now, she was wobbling back to the train doing something that looked like an impersonation of a runner done by someone who has never seen it done, and was told about it by a three year old blind kid.
Long story short, too late, because this woman decided to have a vision quest during a smoke break in Milwaukee, she set off the following events that inconvenienced me:
1) The train, being held up for a mere 10 minutes because of lady gaga’s stroll, missed the opportunity to pass over a bridge that was about a hundred yards from the train platform (THAT’S the word. Platform…) It was one of those open uppy/cantilever bridges to let big boats pass through. Well, there were about 50 or so boats that needed to pass, so we waited for them.
2) The bridge operator, bless his heart, was a five year old little boy who didn’t remember how to put the bridge back in one piece so Mr. Big Fuck Off train could pass over it. That part took an hour and a half.
3) When we finally got underway, it was threatened that those going to Indianapolis would have to take a bus to catch up with the connecting train that we would most assuredly miss due to a bridge that didn’t want to do its fucking job.


I should note that I spent the hour and a half sitting in the Observation car, trying to read the Anthony Bourdain book I brought with me. To no avail. I was busy observing a convention of Mennonites (Amish-lite) I was thinking about those Captain Ahab beards and listening to them speak English/Dutch. I also wondered if they thought their wives looked plain as well. Then I remembered I was pissed about the lady who walked our way into Amtrak hate. By the time the train started rolling again, I noticed one of the little Mennonite kids was holding my book. His father, who had hunted the white whale that took his mannish wife’s good looks away years ago ripped it out of his hands and apologized to me. I took it in stride and told him that I now owned his farm, and he had to make me a bedroom set and a kitchen table. Delivery is set for later in this post…
We did, however, get to Chicago, and yes, it was tense. And yes, there were very few Amtrak employees who seemed to know what a Train was, let alone where I was supposed to find the one that by the time I had reached Chicago, was leaving in fifteen minutes ago…
As luck would have it, and because Karma like to pee in places you like to swim(metaphorically, of course) I caught the train and was on my way. It just so happened, that this train(the one I am typing this on now) is cursed. It’s an old Gypsy curse you probably were threatened with when you wouldn’t eat your vegetables: “eat you Veggies, or the Summer heat will make the Train Rails warp and make a derailment. And the souls of a thousand pissed off travelers will be on your head.”
Sadly, they didn’t tell us this. They let us sit and wonder why we weren’t moving for TWO HOURS.
It was some intrepid older guy who can pull off a moustache like Tom Selleck in his prime who found out the why’s of our delay. All we needed was a couple updates or something. It wasn’t too much to ask. I may have said something out loud when the train conductor, Sir toppum Hat, said: “Does anyone need anything? That something I said might have sounded like ‘Maybe an idea as to where we are, why the Mennonite’s women are plain, and why there is so much Kleenex in Amtrak trains’

Now, I am speeding along the Indiana darkness. By rail of all the possible modes. I look out to see nothing by my reflection in the harsh overhead light so I can find the keyboard. Every once in a while, I turn off the light to contemplate why I am on this train. When I do that, I see the intermittent sparks of fireflies in fields that are as big as 1000 of the trains that I am on. These little pinpoints of faerie light that remind me I am back home again in Indiana.
At least for two months…
And all I need to make it complete is some John Mellencamp telling me that it’s just another day.
Holy crap, the train is slowing down again. Im gonna kill somebody.
Note: the train ended up being over three hours late. James met me downtown and I am sitting in the living room while he plays his World Of Warcraft, the Baby is awake and crying because she doesn’t want to miss what exciting things happen when Uncle Andy comes to town and I am about to pass out and start something epic tomorrow.
Stay Awesome, I’m about to.
Andy

*I just ended up sleeping most of the way. I think she was relieved.