A Public Service Announcement.

Hi there.
My name is Andrew Brynildson. I am a 30 year old male living in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
There is nothing really special about me when compared to the millions of other guys living on the planet.
I have the same outlook on life as many.
I care a great deal for my family, though as with most, we have our share of problems.
My friends are extensions of my family, and without them, I am truly lost.
I like kids, because I was once one. I think I did a really good job being a kid, which is why I have a mild form of 'Peter Pan Syndrome'
As of right now, this is the only syndrome I have. Knock on wood. It could be worse, you know?
I'm not terribly mean, nor do I sit back and take the proverbial 'shit' when it is thrown my way. You shouldn't throw anything at people unless it is a game where the point is to catch said thrown thing.
I live by the creedo- Be Excellent To Each Other.
It is a variant of The Golden Rule, and I know it comes from the movie 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'
It isn't my favourite movie, but it certainly isn't my least.
I just try not to fuck anybody over. It's a good way to live, and so far, I can't say that I have too many enemies.
Go me.
I am definitely not living the cleanest life I could live.
I am a smoker, I drink whiskey and Diet Coke and I am out of shape.
However, I am not addicted to Meth or Crack. Nor do I have sex with Prostitutes.
I could exercise more than I do, and that smoking thing has got to go.
But at the end of the day, I have it pretty good.
And I have a voice.
Not many people hear it, and even fewer listen to it, but I'll be damned if I will not use this platform of blog to say something that is in dire need of being put out there. If people listen, far out. And if they don't, I can say I did my part. Please note that I am going to be blunt in a style all my own. If I offend, consider the subject matter.
So this one goes out to all the fellas:

Guys, when you touch your dick, wash your fucking hands.

Please note the bold red letters I used to emphasize how serious I am.

I'm a guy. Just like you.
And as men, we are blessed with the ability to do two things:
1) Pee standing up
2) and that is about it.

Women get to have the kids, so they know what it truly is to create something. And speaking of, but not in order, they get to have sex whenever they want.
Many women will call me out on this as being untrue. But as a man, believe me, in 90% of the cases: We would have sex with you. Most Heterosexual mean I know would never pass up an opportunity. And 90% is really being generous. Note that it doesn't even take 50% of the votes to become president of these United States. And I bet those people (Presidents) have sex all the time with anyone ever. It's like a law or something...
In the end, all Men are is some protein and, let's face it - more often than not, a disappointment. We rarely put the toilet seat back down and not a lot of us are very good with preparing food that doesn't come in plastic wrappers.

We are, as a general rule: rather stupid.
Sometimes, however, we are handy with a screwdriver and a nail gun.
But as someone who has been involved with theatre for several years, the female stage techs are considered some of the most attractive. More so than those pesky actresses.
And they know how to use a makita...

Sadly, I am consumed by thoughts of women backstage wearing black and calling out cues on headsets. I have derailed. Back on topic:

Guys. You know where that thing between your pants has been. And you know what you are going to do. You are going right back to the bowl of free peanuts set in front of your barstool.
Not a peanut fan?
How about giving your buddy a high five?
Oh look! You are being introduced to a really pretty girl who likes all the music you like. Neat. You shake her hand, and she has no idea that you were just peeing in a trough. Just like the ones at the Indianapolis motor speedway.
And you walked right past the sink.

Sinks, my children, are the things you rinse and use soap in to clean your hands.

Now, are there times when I am at home that I forget to wash my hands?
FUCK THAT, NO. I JUST TOUCHED MY WANG!

My parents did my part to instill some semblance of 'Don't be an idiot, wash your hands after you pee'

I understand that you have been peeing since before you can remember, guys. I get the fact that you have precise aim, and that most of us can write our names in the snow (The ONLY excuse for not washing, by the way- Doing it outside. )
We usually don't pee all over our hands.
But usually, you do touch your junk.

I remember a friend of mine in high school who swore up and down that he never touched his penis. Not even to urinate.
He was going through a phase of either devout Christianity, trying to impress some girl of the same ilk, or he had just started jerking off and was horrified that he was the only one on the planet who did this.
We countered with "So how do you get it out of your pants?"
'Jesus pulls it out' he glibly retorted.
Ok. he didn't say that, and that sounded really dirty, but you know what IS REALLY DIRTY?

Not washing your hands when you use dirty as shit bathrooms in bars.
Did you not see that scruffy looking nerf herding NASCAR hat wearing DudeGUy with the dollar bill medallion around his neck(that was not worn to be ironic)?
Wanna know what he did today?
He fucked a goat. Who cares what he did today.
Wanna know what he did ten minutes before he took a bite out of your pizza?
"Do you have a cold?"
STOP ASKING THAT, PEOPLE! Start asking 'Hey, did you wash the dick off of your hands before you grabbed my pizza?'

Scenario:

"Can I have a sip of your drink?"
'Do you have a cold?'
"Nope"
'ok'
(grabs the straw, dips his fingers in the drink and mutters something about it being a 'pee pee' drink)

"Hey, can I have a bite of your pizza?"
'I guess so'
"Cool. Hey, do you like the taste of what I touched in the bathroom?"
'What?'
"Nothing. Damn. This Pizza's good as hell."

So guys, please for the love of all that is holy and good: Wash your hands after the bathroom.

Whenever I mention how many guys don't do this when I am at a bar, women are mortified.
And it lessens the chance that you will get laid.
Which, for guys, is usually at a steady 25% chance. Because you are not really that charming.
Wash your hands. The ones who do are always watching, as it ups our own percentage to 51%
And then we become President.

Yours with soap and water,

Andy*

*Stay Awesome


"Nothing. Damn. This Pizza's good as hell."