To the heavens, I scream.

I am not a good person, but I am not a horrible person either. Not more than the average person. I think...
Maybe I've been possessed by an 'I ruin things because it's fun' demon. Or it could be that I just make poor, confusing choices.
I am a moron like everyone else.
Human.
I make my mistakes, and I sometimes fess up to them, and other times, I am caught in situations that are beyond horrible.
Cowardly acts happen.
And sometimes they are committed by me.
But then there's the good stuff that I do or say or mean to say or think or write. Some wash away the bad, and sometimes the bad is there for always.
I have not been excellent to some people.
I bring on drama like I know what to do when it gets really intense.
I don't know. I have movie moments stuck in my head where the bad guy loses and the good guy wins.
My life does not resemble a John Cusack movie plot. I stumble over words that have run over and over in my head because they sound perfect when I plan to say them, but they fall flat the moment they escape my mouth. My defense mech of humor sometimes makes it seem like i am insincere. I don't mean to be. It comes naturally, and i don't like conflict. I need to be sure that i can win a fight if i get in it.
Then I get in it, and I try to piece together some scene from a romantic comedy, knowing that in the end, the girl will be mine and we will ride off into the sunset together on a horse with no name.
And there will be fireworks going off as the sun fades into deep red and purple. The stars will line up showing both of our most treasured constellations.
What really ends up happening is staring into space, too numb to make a move.
To storm out of a room, hoping like hell that the other person will have more courage than you and try to stop you from leaving.
Sometimes they do.
And sometimes those eyes roll over white, and then the high pitched screaming starts.
And the humor mech starts humming and you try not to let anyone see your eyes start to well up, or notice that bottom lip trembling.
I think that nights should end with something positive from now on.
Maybe not mine tonight or tomorrow, but everyone else. All of you out there in the world who are sleeping. And to those still up, getting ready for work, or sitting there, getting sick of staring at a wall feeling a bit numb in the chest. to all of you, I want you to say those 'I love you's' Tell someone to have sweet dreams. High five a friend. Say thank you. Be brave enough or strong enough to forgive someone you care about. Always Hug them goodnight.
Sleep needs to happen right after you think someone really has your back. You feel like nothing can hurt you as long as you feel loved, or feel like there is a possibility of love. then you can start dreaming.

I'm the best and worst of both schools. Old and New. I think you should walk on the side where if a car splashes water on the walkway, you will get the majority of the wet, and her dress might be spared.
I think you should open doors for everyone, not just women.
Kids should know how fun watching Goonies can be, and that Ghostbusters isn't as scary as it is funny as hell.
You can get into a barfight, but it has to be to defend someone who cannot defend themselves.
But i also get sad, and the world has to be sad with me. I will be Captain Bringdown. I am moody as hell, and fuck wearing my heart on a sleeve. I like to hold mine up in the air to show everyone how sensitive I am. If I could, I would have a neon sign installed with an arrow pointing to the parts of my heart where if you touch it, Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes' or Dire Straits 'Romeo & Juliet' would start playing as if by magic.
But hey, I'm only human, right? And where is the 'New School' part?
I have no idea. Don't put metal in the microwave and always dance the charleston at parties to get it really cookin'. Who cares. I talk too much.

I want you to know that I hurt Amanda. I made her feel foolish, and I lied to her, and I painted her like a bad person. The word 'Torment' isn't appropriate enough. Well, she is not a bad person. Not at all. She is a good, kind person who doesn't deserve any part of the shit I have put her through.
I'm the one who swung back into town and fucked up the tilt of the Earth for her.
I'm the one who didn't tell her I still loved her until it was too late, then was expected to just say 'Sure. Let's start it all over, no problem'
Who in the hell would want anything to do with someone who would do that?! You don't hurt people you love. You just don't. It's a really important rule and i broke it. Don't lie to someone you want to spend your days with. Please take note of that and use it when you are feeling particularly bad at any relationship you are in.
I am ridiculous. And I am the fool all the way because I kept seeing a sunset and a kicky new cover of '500 miles' playing on a jukebox as the credits rolled.
All of this is on ME.
My fault. My party, and I'll cry if I want to.

And I wanted to say that I am sorry. that is what I wanted to say. So now I've said it and way too much more.

Sleep Sweet.