Update #4

Not much to report today since i let loose the floodgates of shit onto the interweb.
There are moments of realness that are both amazingly great and horribly upsetting.
And then there are the moments of limbo, where I don't know where I am, or when i am due for some feeling back in my body. i go numb, and that is the worse feeling. The nothing. The thing i am riding away from on a flying dragon that looks like a dog.
Kagagoogoo is playing my theme song.
I hear from a couple people that it might be going around, that nothing feeling.
There are always those brief glimpses of sunshine through the cloudy days, and then I am reminded that it is summer. And this was a summer of trying shit out.
I am just not being given the opportunity to try that shit out.
Maybe tomorrow, always tomorrow.

Today i cleaned a house to help Lisa out and let James sleep a bit longer. It was a welcomed distraction, but i was up way too late last night, and way too early this morning. My adrenaline kicked into overtime this morning because of a phone call, and my heart was beating too fast for sleep to happen again. I have never thought that I would have a panic attack, but I am sure I have had a thousand since i got here. And maybe more since Mid May.
I am told, though, that I am not alone.
And that is comforting, but i wish it wasn't the case.
There is too much stuff to accomplish, too many things i need to say to let it get bogged down with worries and awful feelings.
I just want to share the good things for a bit.
I want opportunity to impress and show that I have things to offer.
Doesn't anyone?

I have been repeating a line from LA Story in my head yesterday and today. And right now. As I type it out, I am saying it.
'A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true'
Christ, if i could write like that, I could win any heart or mind.

I didn't get any writing done today save for this posting. Maybe tonight, I will ask if I can just sit and write in good company.

I feel bipolar, and it isn't good. I'm smiling one moment, and wanting to cry the next. Feeling lethargic and empty, and then filled with a hurt that doesn't seem there is an end to.
I don't know what the deal is, but I know I still want to write, so there is that. I have to hold on to that.
Like I said, maybe I can get something done tonight.
I'm going to a club called Spin in Broad Ripple to see an old friend DJ. Getting out of the house a bit would help, I think. But then, i'm crazy and should be locked in a vault until the middle ages happen again.

I just wasn't born for these times, right Mr. Wilson?

Stay Awesome.
Andy

(Sorry for all the uncapitalized 'I's' They annoy me too, but not enough to do anything about them.)