Brave voice not spoken here.

I'm not in the best place right now. My heart hurts and nothing is going where I want it to go.
I'm drinking to forget tonight, and for some fucked up reason, it isn't working.
I would switch to pot, but I am not 17 and don't know where to get it.
It's just not what I wanted, you know? This summer was supposed to be the 'summer of trying stuff out' To see if I could do something I have never attempted and to be something for more than just a few days a month. No traveling or time off of work or school. Nothing but maybe normalcy for a while. And then the real decisions would start.
This was going to be perfect. Something I needed.
Now all I am is a pissed off so and so. Mad and jealous of something I heard in passing. And since I don't know anything, all I can do is hate some fucking creole joint and the ones who work there.
I hate what i am right now and i hate who I am right now.
This has got to change, because like it or not, I am here until Late August.
I looked into escaping early this morning. It doesn't work like that. I wanted to be the coward I am, and run away like I always do when shit gets real. And how real is it? i live in a fucking dream world anyway. To think that I could do what I want when and where I wanted to is beyond masochism. It should be as criminal as suicide.
And please don't read that word like i do and have alarm bells go off in your head.
I'm going to be ok. I just needed a way of venting, and this is my way.
I do really need some communication from the other side, though. If you do read this, and have the time to talk, please call me. I'd love to hear from folks. I talked to Linds yesterday, and i was putting on a brave voice for her. Brave voice. I both love and hate that i wrote it like that. I hate the word Brave because I think it is reserved for emotional breakthrough. Things people don't usually say or do because it terrifies them. Running into a building that is on fire isn't brave. It's your job. People need to be rescued sometimes. But spilling your heart out, and then getting nothing back...Just doing it because if you keep it inside one more second, it will make your chest explode: That is brave. Damn the torpedoes. I wish i had a three month time window time machine. I wish i was brave. There are all these things I would do with both. And please dont take from this that I think there are no brave people. I've watched Conan the Barbarian too many times to think differently. (Mild attempt at humor aside)
I just feel that if you are scared, it's best to beat the shit out of what scares you. No matter how big or scary it is. Sometimes you just need to go with it. Do what terrifies you and hope to God that it won't hurt as bad this time around.
I am a complete and total idiot, I know this full well.
Christ this fucking sucks.
I was talking to (Indy)Linds and told her it was time for Shakabuku. I cannot stress that enough. -Spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever-
There has to be a time when enough is enough.
A time for everything turn turn turn.
And no, none of this is related to writing. I'm just a mess 100% of the time, and would hope that you realized it by now and still liked me anyway.
tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.

Going to sleep it off now. Stay Awesome.
A