Thoughts on this and that Part One.

I am sitting alone in the house that has served as my home for the last five months.
Lisa and Pants are upstairs. Pants is sleeping, and I am sure Lisa is trying to.
I was packing things up and trying to be really quiet, but i dropped a cassette tape on the floor and it shattered. Well, the case shattered. The NKOTB tape is just fine, thank the gods.
I feel bad. It was really loud.

So like I said, two out of a handful of my favourite people on the planet are no more than 20 feet away from me, and I already feel like it might as well be a million.
Today I had to say goodbye to Fingers, Jenny, Adam and Judy.
The last few days have been a series of 'lasts' Only noticed because I am overly aware of melodramatic things due to my unstable nature of hypersensitivity. (And yes, i did try and say that three times fast.)
You notice things when changes are about.
I noticed the taste of the air just before I left Indy ten years ago. It was foggy then. And cold.
Tonight it is just cold. But the taste is the same. I've never been good with describing taste. It is a very personal thing, I think. That, or I am a terrible writer who cannot understand adjectives.
I've noticed more tonight about the house I have lived in for five months than in all the nights combined. I'm missing it to death, and I am still in the dining room.

I wonder if I am not allowed a permanent home because I am already plotting a way to get back here in January.
I'm going to miss Thanksgiving here. And I'll miss Christmas. New years will come and go without me setting foot in Indy.
I am sure I will have a fine time just the same, but you know me and my penchant for the wistful.
last year I was a different person. Well, maybe just a person with different circumstances.
I wonder if I will miss it more because I am sad about leaving, or if I am sad about all the things I know i will miss?
I want to watch pants open up presents.
I want to see Adam do the same.
I like it when they hold hands because they are exploring the idea of someone just as small being just as curious.
I will miss hearing the 'I'm Thankful for's' that come out of the big jar that lisa will be holding on the stairs.
I will not be able to make a stupid amount of my marshmallow fluff for my gang.
And for some reason, that's the thing that got me. Just now. my eyes welled up.
What the fuck is wrong with me?

Maybe it's best to not think about the things I am going to miss, but the things that I am taking away with me. This was to be The Summer of my German Hemmingway. Still a clever title, I feel, but sadly a failed one. In certain senses.
Don't read into that as me thinking all this shit is bullshit shit. Not even a bit.
I'm coming out stronger.
Maybe a bit more independent. (but for me, that word is another way of saying lonely. I like team efforts.)

I think it's time I talk about those things being taken away. weren't you ready for that like three pages ago?
Right. Sorry.

This Summer was a writing Summer. Yeah. Not so much.
It was a time where I met new people and made great friends. And I built better relationships with ones I had already. I found out what I wanted this Summer. I really did.
Now, telling you what I want out of Life, The Universe and Everything would spoil the surprise.
Not that it is a really big shocker. People who know me, know.
Anyway, that line of fate was sort of derailed. Ok. It was derailed like a freight train. But I still have hope that another opportunity will come any year now.
Hope is something I HAVE to keep. Silly word, Hope is, But it keeps me from thinking all is lost. And it prevents me from wearing black lipstick and guyliner.
I'm taking home the smiles of a sweet little girl who i watched grow up this Summer. That makes me want to get back to the cities and see how much Annika and Parker have sprouted up.
My Brother's kids are another story altogether. I wish they didn't live so far away.
I think i like traveling to see people, this is new.
It isn't that I like road trips. I did have a couple this Summer, and they were great, but I am still not a fan of the auto.


More later. I have to catch a train bound for nowhere.
By nowhere, I mean Chicago.

To be continued.