And in the end...

Today marks the end of a very 'something something' part of my life.
The Indianapolis Theatre Fringe festival has been a very important end of Summer event for me these last few years.
And while it hasn't been the best festival for me personally, I am really happy for the groups that kicked ass and took names for the last 10 days.
I saw Matt Fotis' show yesterday, and was really taken aback at his storytelling prowess. I laughed outloud several times instead of doing the usual 'smile and nod approvingly' thing that most comedic writers and performers do.
It's our usual way of showing that we enjoy what we are seeing, and wish like hell that it was us up there getting the laughs.
I never once thought I could do it better than he. All i wanted was to hear more.
I could give higher praise, but he might think i am into him ;)

I will be seeing more shows this evening, and chatting it up with some people that i have had the pleasure to meet later at the closing night party.
I am sure that Pauline Moffat, the director of the festival will hug me and talk to me like I am four years old. She may even tell me that sometimes, all I have to do to be successful in a fringe festival is to write a better show. That is the kind of stuff that comes out of her mouth. I hope not just to me.
And I swear, if she invokes the success of Jaws, i will scream in her face that I know she never even saw it, and that Josh Carson's 'Recently Dead Celebrities' was the number one selling show of last years festival. Another one she never saw, but had the audacity to say it wasn't good to my face last year. I might lose my shit tonight. Especially if there is free australian wine and that Jimmy Buffet beer that tastes like water.

'Free' is now my favourite word this week. Toppling over the word 'awesome' that has been on top for many years. Money is beyond tight, and getting home willbe an adventure. I will be planning a garage sale as soon as I get back to the cities. Anyone want to buy my stuff?

Tonight is our last show of 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician'
At 9:00pm, at the American Cabaret Theatre, I will be doing a four person show with two people. The second actor is none other that Jason Kruger, who has said yes to everything I have asked of him, and still wants to give more. Without him, I would have thrown in the towel on Wednesday of last week.
He is funny, his timing is near perfect, and in yesterdays show, he made the script funnier with his energy and ad-libs. We were both dripping with sweat and about ready to pass out after the show, and I know it will be no different tonight except even more fun since it is the last of the summer wine, as they say.
Truth be told, I am looking forward to tonight's show. We may play to an audience of three people, who may consist of all Fringe volunteers, but at least we will go out with a yell and not a wimper. I have Jason to thank for it, and I suggest using him in any production you may be thinking of doing in the future.
I know I will.

Jason's mantra for me throughout all the shit:
"Nothing is Fucked here, Dude. Nothing is Fucked."

To which I always reply: 'Fuck it, Dude. Let's just go bowling'

Tonight will be our last ditch effort to get gas money for minneapolis. And maybe some snacks.
My Mom and I had lunch today and talked about all manner of things about the state of our family, my future in Politics (theatre) and the state of my hometown and all those damned roundabouts they keep putting in. It was wonderful. We talked as friends, not as parent and child. She did buy my lunch, though, so that was pretty motherly of her.
And she made me a batch of the pistachio green marshmallow fluff that I could eat forever and never get sick of. Maybe Jason and I will snack on that. If I let him even touch it.
She also gave me three boxes of poptarts.
Judy rules.

So tomorrow I am on the road. No time for blogging, Dr. Jones.
I will miss my Indiana people more than ever, as I have developed bonds I never dreamed were possible in only 13 days.
And knowing me, i will cry and Jason will get all uncomfortable and I'll start writing poetry or something like a girl.
But it will be worth it. Everything on this trip was worth it, except maybe the festival which was the reason for the trip.
And even that didn't suck so bad that I won't be back next year for it. But next year, I will bring an army with me. Jason will be the General, and I will be the emperor or king or just the weepy little girl man who writes poetry because his friends are so wonderful here.
But yeah... I'll be back really soon.
So soon, it will make my Minnesota friends uncomfortable.

I'm going to leave you with something from my favourite book. It is written on my left forearm, so if you want to see it, just ask. It's the last paragraph of 'The Little Prince'

If you should come upon this spot, please do not hurry on.

Wait for a time, exactly under the star.

Then, if a little man appears who laughs, who has golden hair

and who refuses to answer questions, you will know who he is.

If this should happen, please comfort me.

Send me word that he has come back.

Stay Awesome all of you.

Andy

Brief.

Jason and I are about to perform a four person show with two people.

I don't know what to say. I know we both are going to do our best.
That, I suppose is the most important thing.
I just read a review someone posted up on a random website about the show, and to say that it was mean would be an understatement.

The festival has not been a good one for me. However, the good that has come from my time here will extend furthur than the 13 days we will have been in Indianapolis.
A lot of descisions have been made, new friends have become very good friends and I know what is best in life:

To Crush my enemies, see them driven before me and to hear the lamentations of their women.

I will never give up.


More after the fact.

Andy

This just in.

Confessions of a Fringe Technician is going to be performed in its entirety on
Saturday at 1:30pm
and
Sunday at 9:00pm

by Jason Kruger and Andy Brynildson.

This is a slight change from the normal lineup that included two other actors.
I would tell you more, but the rumour mills will be running at full speed as soon as this is posted and read.

I am not sure if this will work.
I do know that it will be the most high energy show I have ever been a part of.
I am thinking that we will be using the Ferarri McSpeedy character change method. (which I know they didn't invent, but they did make it famous.)

Jason will be playing Actor 2 and parts of Actor 3 and Actor 1
And I will be playing The Tech and parts of Actor 1 and Actor 3.

Improv, don't fail me now.

Stay Awesome.

Andy

So that happened...

Last night's show was fun in the fact that I realized I will never be a very good Writer, Director or Actor.
Now, hear me out:
I might not be very good, but I WILL have fun doing it. That part, I am never ever going to stop.
Not in a million bajillion years.

I am not sure who derailed the show last night, but the fact that it has happened with ever show I have performed here in Indy, does not bode well.
Audience numbers for my show have been dismal to say the least.
Last night, we had 9 paying people.
Nine.
Gas back to The Twin Cities needs an audience of at least 15.
I won't even go into how much money has gone into this show. But I will say that it is around the 80 paying audience members mark.

Getting back to the de-railment:
I am going to just say that it was me, so i don't piss anyone off.
The word 'thankful' does not do justice to the way I feel towards the Technicians who are running the Sound and light boards. They do their best to follow along in a script that really isn't too hard to follow, it's just that we keep jumping around an average of 10 pages, then double back 15 pages and then say lines backwards and then in Portugese and then in Binary code. Sometimes, one of the mildly amusing jokes I have written is actually said, but by then, it is lost in the ether that is 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician: The most confusing show on planet IndyFringe'

Nuvo, the Indy equvalent of The Twin Cities' City Pages reviews the Fringe shows they can scrape enough people to go see. I only say that because quite a few shows (mostly out of town groups) were omitted from the reviewing because 'they just couldn't get to a show'
Well, we were seen by Nuvo, and here is what they said:


Confessions of a Fringe Technician
Two stars
Minnesota
American Cabaret Theatre
This pale imitation of Kiss Me Kate and Noises Off doesn’t measure up to previous Fringe offerings. Three actors and a technician bandy about the show they’ll bring to IndyFringe, throwing in local references and revealing their individual quirks while “breaking down the fourth wall” at the same time that they’re trying to build it with a mocking script stitched with bits and pieces of bad theater across time. —RK
Aug. 27, 7:30 p.m.; Aug. 30, 1:30 p.m.; Aug. 31, 9 p.m.

Now, I have neevr seen Kiss Me Kate, but I always wanted to.
Noises off is one of my favourites, but I admit, i have only seen the movie version. I can only assume my character was the one Christopher Reeve played.

The star numbers were low this year all around, but I at least was hoping we would have gotten NO STARS WHATSOEVER.
Seriously, thank you NUVO for being way too nice to us.
I think it might be because I mention in the script how the actors have to be nice to all the nuvo people... I don't think we deserved any stars.
The show is literally a train wreck.
I might be able to say that it is being workshopped, and this in no way reflects the actual finished product, but I have to stop starting the show with the lines: "This show is NOT being Workshopped. THIS IS the finished product."
;)

Last night I stopped the show in true Brynildson style and addressed the audience as I would on any given Monday Night Comedy Show:
" I'm sorry. I have to stop right here and tell you guys something. We have gone SO FAR off the script that I cannot in good concience let it go on. I want you to see a show that I wrote, and not some random scenes. (Some audience memebrs were snickering) No, this is not in the script. This is me, Andy Brynildson from Minneapolis Minneasota talking to you as a Fringe Producer to the Audience. I am now taking control, and (referring to the actors) I want to take it all back to such and such a line. Sorry, folks for the derailment. Viva La Fringe"

So I kind of screwed the actors. I might have looked like a total dick. Am I sorry? Not a chance in your pants. This still is my show, and I'll be damned if I will be rememebered in Indy as the guy who can't laugh at how terrible his stuff is. That is my one super power: I can laugh at myself and make people feel comfortable with it. I never give them a chance to laugh at me, only with me. And I'm gonna give myself the only pat on the back I feel I deserve:

I'm really fucking good at it.

That said, who knows what the show will be like on Saturday or Sunday? I sure don't.
Something is gonna happen. I'll let you know as soon as I can.

On a side note:
Pauline, The Artistic Director Pulled me aside and said that she still didn't have my application fee for the festival. I gave her a credit card number and expiry date in March. Probably even earlier.
It is now August, and apparently, all she needed was the little three digit security code on the back of the card.
Do the math on how long she has had to ask me for three little numbers.
Now understand why Babar is in such a bad humour.

Viva La Fringe.

We eneded up at The Chatham Tap last night, as one of our party had to use the restroom, and she works there. We ended up staying till close. Kruger met the nice girl from Ohio who's show: 'In Rehearsal' we are planning on seeing this weekend. She is really nice, and he will be making pizza from scratch to impress us all. I think last night was a turning point, and the rest of the time here in Indy will be spent trying to prolong coming back to reality (minneapolis) It's no secret that I feel more comfortable here with Lisa, Jenny, Amanda and the Dorch Gang.
I think that Monday Morning will be coming too soon.

I ended the show last night with the line: "This was the most recent show that happened in this venue. Thank you for coming"
And so, I'll end with this:

This is the most recent blog entry. Thanks for reading.

Remember to Stay Awesome for Awesome's sake.

Andy.

Everything up till today.

Aside from my lax attitude towards blogging, and doing anything to help furthur the life that I want for myself, I think I am a bit of a go-getter.
I do silly things to help promote the silly things I do. Performance, writing, Laundry, Whatever. I am a whore for the smash and grab marketing.
For example, just the other day, I donned the infamous Panther Suit that I secretly borrowed (stole) from Dustin. It was about a hundred degrees outside, and I was walking down the street with Kruger playing guitar while handing out flyers for that night's show.
To say that I was sweating in the suit would be an understatement.
In point of fact, I was not wearing a panther suit, I was wearing a black furry wetsuit. I was not only conspicuous, I was dying. My tee shirt and shorts were drenched, and I looked like I should have been in a sorority washing cars for some charity. Sadly, I am too much in love with Butter for my own good, and my body doesn't look good in wet clothes.
It used to be, but I was in show choir then, and I had a full head of hair.
Just kidding, my hair is still awesome.
Actually, it is more amazing. Women tell me that all the time.
I digress.
The performance of 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician' on Sunday was not too bad. I messed up most of my lines, but since I wrote the play, I was considering it an impromptu re-write.
Kruger once again carried most of the show and fed lines that were dropped that facilitate lots of little jokes throughout the show. If I didn't have him, I would have shot myself on Friday night.
Or just gone to a dive bar here in Indy and said I don't think the Colts are going all the way this year and that NasCar is stupid.
That way, whoever is the beneficiary on my life insurance would get the full amount due.
I should probably find out who is the beneficiary...

The Fringe keeps on being Fringy despite my best efforts to destroy it with my unique brand of scathing writing.
I use the term 'Unique Brand of Scathing Writing' very loosely. I don't feel like much of a writer these days. I don't feel scathing, aside from the woman I told was 'very rude' when she ignored us on the street the other day. We were just trying to tell her about the show. We were smiling and don't look too much like we were going to kidnap her. We just wanted to ask her to come to our show if she wasn't doing anything better. But she just kept walking.
I had been in a Panther costume for the better part of two hours, so I was bit cranky and dehydrated. I wanted two things: 1) More people to come to my show. And 2) a Subway footlong sandwich.
I hate being ignored. It might be a thing left over form Junior High. or it might be my natural human instinct. Not too sure. I might have said more to her, but I am sure Jason will tell you if you buy him a drink when we come back.

So we have three more shows left. One tomorrow at 7:30pm and one on Saturday and Sunday respectively. These shows are going to be called the 'Get enough people to come so I can pay for the gas needed to get back to Minneapolis And also 'Maybe pay rent Shows'

Times are hard in the City of Indianapolis. Even harder if you are trying to do theatre.
Cue the blues harmonica.
I watched 'Amelie' last night in lieu of going to any shows. Kruger had never seen it, and it is one of my favourites.
He liked it, as he should. He is caring and sensitive, and I have put myself in the position of 'Wing Man' to try and get him some action down here. Ladies, Jason Kruger is my hero.
Please show your interest in the comment section of this blog.

Oh! Speaking of marketing:
I was asked by a friend in Minneapolis how the shows have been going, and since I read the email when i was close to committing Nascar suicide, I told him the truth. Audiences are way down, my life sucks, I am a failure and no one likes me even a little bit, bla bla bla. Anyhow, he took in upon himself to make a fake Craigslist add in the Indianapolis 'Random Hookups' section. He posted some random girls picture and said (as the fake girl): 'Looking for a good time, checking out 'Confessions of a Fringe Tech' tonight and Saturday at the ACT. Need to meet some or more willing guys'
You get the idea. I made me laugh so hard, I cried.
Apparently, he has gotten like 20 emails from a lot of creepy guys.
Maybe I will have an audience comprised of lecherous interweb guys. Or High school Science teachers.
Don't steal his marketing idea until I tell you if it worked or not. I wonder if I will be able to tell who are the craigslist stalkers from the twitchy looks they give any female attendees, or from the smart cardigan sweaters they will wear.

Special thanks to you who posted the ad. I'll leave your name out of it, as you might be hunted down.

Note to self: Never wear cardigan sweaters.
And a note to all the attractive women who may come to the show tomorrow night: Don't come. Or bring a date. Or pretend you are dating me. I will protect you. (remember, I will have the hoe-saw on stage and I know how to use it well)

If you have seen the show, and liked it, please go to www.indyfringe.org and follow the link to the review site. Say some nice things and you will get some mad props from me.
By 'Mad Props' I mean some Juice Boxes.
And also my unending thanks.
Today I ate at a cajun restaurant called 'Yats' it was the first time I've been there, but I will now be going every day I am here. And thank you to Amanda who picked up the check. You are wonderful in so many ways.
Also, the peanut butter pie was good. Crazy good. I love pie. mmmmm.

I am going to go have dinner with my StepMom. I will be thinking of you the whole night long.
Have a good one, remember to Stay Awesome and email me the song 'Wild Horses' I have to sing it at Karaoke soon.

Till then,
Andybear

ps- remember how all of you have good friends in Indianapolis? Yeah? Tell them to come to my show. Thanks!

Day two, performance two.

I have to admit it's getting better. A little better all the time.

Today was day two of the IndyFringe. And with it came the second performance of 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician'
I like to call it the 'Redemption show'. At least for tonight.
The lines from me were much more solid. In fact, you could kind of tell that I actually wrote the show.
The actors didn't skip scenes, they just skipped lines. And not too many.
Volume was an issue, as I was three feet away and couldn't hear some stuff. Which led to me missing some of my lines because I couldn't hear my cue line. It was all a vicious circle.
In the end, I think it was a much better show than last night, and I still am proud of the script, and the fact that I did it all on my own. No screenplay or collaborator there to hold my hand and make sure I wasn't being stupid.
Don't get me wrong, I am stupid. Delightfully so.

I din't get a chance to see any of the other shows in the festival yet. I will though. And I am looking forward to a few of them.
Jason and I walked up and down Mass Ave. today handing out flyers and hoping people would come to the show.
Well, they didn't. A few did. Our house was bigger than last night, but tonight was at 7:30pm. A golden time slot dipped in chocolate and rolled around in hazelnuts. People should have been there. I don't know what the deal is. I can't tell if other out of town groups are suffering from attendance anemia or just us.
We have four more shows left, and if people don't start coming, I might have to live here. You think I am kidding, but the funny has left the building.
Maybe I'm just being an idiot.
I hope I'm just being an idiot.
I think I'm just being an idiot.

On an unrelated note, I went to Nippers in Carmel tonight to sing Karaoke with the best of the best people in this state. A great time was had by all, and I need to learn 'Wild Horses' for next week. (yes, I am gone that long).

The Fringe madness has left me. Now all I feel is Fringe Desperation.

Stay awesome.
A.

Day two, performance two.

IndyFringe Day 1 (Opening night.)

So. It happened. Opening night of 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician'
had to have been the most nerve-wracking experience of my life thus far.
I mean, even more-so than those times I got my report card in first period and knew that my parents were going to be pissed, but now I had to wait all day. Dreading the ride home.
Last night was my ride home to show my awful report card.
And the audience was my pissed off parents.

Mistakes were made, but they always do happen.
Adrenaline mixed with nitroglycerin. That was the cocktail I was drinking last night.
And boy howdy, did I get drunk.

I would go into details about entire missed scenes or lines so badly paraphrased that they seemed like they were from a different show. Or scenes switched around to make the show seem like an homage to a Quentin Tarantino movie. I would love to go into details, but I decided to leave last night behind me and just never remember that particular opening night.
But speaking of, a show at 10:30 on a Friday is never going to get a good house.
We had 19 people.

19.

If we don't get a bigger audience, I literally am fucked.

So, as a favor to me, please try to get people to come. If you pray, do your thing.
If you are influential in the Indianapolis theatre underworld, please whack a few important Dons and make my show seen.

There is a site that is linked from www.indyfringe.org where you can review the show, so if you feel so inclined...

Tonight I have a show at 7:30pm, so it should get a better house than last night.
However, we still need to be ever vigilant, or the armies of darkness will march across the earth for all time.

I have no idea what that means.

Stay Awesome and wish me luck. I really am worried.

Andy

IndyFringe Day 0

I wanted to tell you that I am safely in Indianapolis. I know you were worried.
The road trip from Minneapolis took just under 12 hours.
We were going the speed limit pretty much the whole time, with the exception of when we hit 88 miles per hour just to see some serious shit. Anyone? Is this thing on? Doc Brown? Forget it.
I was getting a little punchy when we hit the border of Indiana.
I got a little more punchy when Jason started punching me to help keep himself awake.
Deciding that maybe what we needed were some 'country roads' I looked at a map at a rest area and saw that we could pop on over to Highway 31 instead of taking 65 the whole way to Indy, which is notoriously boring. (I don't care what you say. Boring.)
It was appropriate that John Mellencamp started playing on the radio as we flew by the corn and soybean fields getting to 31. It was not appropriate that the song was 'Dance Naked'

I still sang along, loving every minute of awkward.

So we got to Indy, and arrived at The Dorchester. The Dorch is the apartment building that has now become an asylum for my old friends from High School. They have taken one building and conned every one of their other friends into renting apartments there as well, so it might as well be a commune without all the membership dues or blood sacrifices they do. I have been bringing my casts to The Dorch for the last couple of IndyFringes. Invariably, we end up drinking a little too much or making other mistakes that fall under 'I had an awesome time in Indy'
Since it is just Jason Kruger and myself staying here, I find that I will have more time to spend with the newest of the Dorch Gang: Annabeth Irene West. She was just born about a month ago to Lisa and James. Probably the most beautiful baby ever made by man or science.
One of these nights, I will be sick of the drinking game called: 'if you come to see my show, I will buy you a shot' and I will be playing something called 'babysitter'.
I think if I really believe that I want one of these 'children' I should have spent a night trying to keep one alive. Kind of like those movies where I can inherit the haunted house if I just spend one night in it. Only Annie isnt a house. Nor is she haunted. She is part cyborg, according to her mother and father. I guess the only time she blinks is when she is downloading her newest batch of instructions. More on the babysitting another night. I should talk about something fringe related.

Tonight was the Opening Night Celebration of Party fun time happy for the festival.
Several groups were asked to perform 3minutes of their show to an audience of at least 200 people. Doesn't sound like a whole lot, but it was in a small-ish room, and I am a big big man made of beef and Iron, so I am bulky even on a day where I don't feel bloated. Needless to say, I was getting a bit claustrophobic.
The audience was in charge of randomly picking the group who would give them the most important 3 minutes of the rest of their fringe lives. The one that would put the sour taste or the chocolaty delicious taste in the audiences' mouths.
In true Andy Brynildson tradition, I didn't have anything planned. Hell, two of my cast members are still out of state at the 1am hour I am writing this. (And yes, our tech rehearsal IS at 10am. thanks for pointing it out.)
So it is just Jason and myself. I have certain bits in the show that i don't want to give away for fear you may think the whole show is one big freak show of a train wreck. I will tell you that Juice boxes play an important role. Well, at least they are there. Maybe not a big plot point.
So I thought it would be fun to give away juice boxes to all of the attendees of the Opening night extravaganza. Something even more clever would be to put our show information on all of the juice boxes.
I am clever sometimes. Not often, but it happens.
To make a long story short, I did the juice box thing, Jason tapped danced and I wore a Panther suit that I borrowed from my friend Dustin.
The people clamored for the juice boxes. You would have thought I was giving away playstation 3's.

I saw an awful lot of really good looking shows who performed in the three minute slots.
I even saw some dance groups perform who were amazing and made me rethink my dislike of dance shows. I might actually check some of them out in my downtime.
Of course there was the occasional 'I take my art WAY TOO SERIOUSLY' groups'. But if they never did the Fringe, how would I ever have been able to make fun of them in my show?
I love me some Fringe, and it is going to be a really good festival. I look forward to meeting new people and challenging them to drinking games involving show attendance. But for tonight, I sleep the sleep of the road weary and overheated panther suit wearing fringe producer.

If you are interested in seeing what my show is all about, please come to my opening night
Tonight (August 22nd) at 10:30pm at The American Cabaret Theatre.
for more info, go to www.indyfringe.org

Have a good night, Indianapolis. Happy opening night.

Stay Awesome

Andy Brynildson

End of days.

With the ever approaching Indianapolis Theatre Fringe Festival, I am finding myself dreading the car ride to The Naptown.
I have never really enjoyed road trips. I took them regularly with my parents to Pittsburgh, Jacksonville and even once to Boston.
But the one that always made me want to run and hide was the one from minneapolis to indianapolis. And Visa Versa. (Incidentally, Visa Versa is a line from my show. Come see it, and you will understand. Any reference to Fred Savage Movies, I will never say no.)
So the ride is about 10 hours. And I always have friends who tell me how long the drive is. Friends who have taken the drive all of once, and think they are the AAA, and I should heed their advice and drive time knowledge.
Well, i lived in Minneapolis with my Mom for years, and visited my Father and Step Mom every year. And when I moved to Indianapolis, I made the trip yearly as well. Even more frequently after I left home as an adult.
Basically, what I am saying is, just because you saw 'Black Beauty' once doesn't make you a Horse Whisperer.
And because I own a lot of swords and have watched every Highlander movie and own the subsequent TV Series on DVD does not mean I can kill you with a sword if you have one as well.
I can kill a Horse Whisperer with a sword, but if that Horse Whisperer is traveling to Indianapolis from The twin Cities at an average speed of 65 miles per hour it does not mean that I will enjoy this road trip no matter how many Queen songs I put on my ipod.

I never said Word problems were my strongest area.
I did say Horse Whispering was. Just once. It was at a party and I was trying to be ironic.

Speaking of Irony, or just discovering Gold in the cave you went in first and abandoned after 20 minutes, only to spend years and years in neighboring caves, but then you just thought you would try the first one just one more time:
I ordered my flyers for the show last week, and there was a mix up. I checked the wrong box, and that wrong box cost me 24 extra hours of waiting time.
I paid for the ultra fast over night next business day thing for close to the cost of the flyers themselves. They should have been here today. this morning in fact. The FedEx man came with my flyers. The FedEx man tried to push my doorbell button, but my doorbell hasn't worked for a couple months. The FedEx man left me a note telling me that 'We Tried'. Now I wait another 24 hours. And I have to leave a note telling the FedEx man to leave it at my door since I will be at work when he comes tomorrow. The reason he didn't leave my flyers at the door today was because of my Production Company name.

MIME RIFLE PRODUCTIONS.

He thought he was delivering gun parts.

That is what the nice lady on the FedEx phone told me was in his notes.

I told her it was for a little play that I worked very hard for and was going to Indianapolis to perform. And that it was not parts for guns. It was pieces of 14lb cardstock that had my face on them. And said stuff about my show. The show I perform for the first time in front of people on Friday night at 10:30pm.

She apologized and said that my address reminded her of 'The Baking Flour'

I said, Yes. Yes. I live on Pillsbury Avenue. Where I assemble motherfucking guns and write little motherfucking plays about the guns I make in my house on the street that is like the MOTHERFUCKING BAKING FLOUR.

The flyers should be there when I get home from work in the morning.

I have to come up with 3 minutes of something to make the people who are coming to the Opening Night Party for the Fringe want to come see my show.

I cannot think of any small bit of the show that would do the show justice.

It might be premature, but I think I am gonna bring Dustin's Panther Suit with me and make a complete ass out of myself. And hand out juice boxes.

I am nothing, if not a whore for attendance.

Tomorrow I am going to go to Costco and buy a truckload of juiceboxes. Then I am going to tape information about the show on each one and only give them to pretty girls.
I am losing my mind...

More to tell you as it comes to me.

Fringe Madness has complete and total control over me.

Stay Awesome and come to my show.

Andy

Sigh No More Ladies, Sigh No More.

I'm not gonna lie to you:
The hoe-saw is making another appearance in 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician'

For those of you not in the know, The Hoe-Saw is just what it sounds like. It is a Hoe (Garden Tool)
With a Saw (Cutting Tool) attached to the end.
It is certainly an unconventional weapon, but a deadly one just the same.
The BrainChild of Josh 'Worm' Miller and Pat Casey, who are best known for being the writing team that sprung 'National Lampoon presents: DORM DAZE' (I, II & III) They are old friends of my Best Friend John Bungert. They went to high School together and made various movies of various quality. One of my personal favorites was 'Hey, Stop Stabbing Me!'
That is where the Hoe-Saw first saw the light of day.

The Hoe-Saw has been a featured weapon in JAWS The Musical! as well as Recently Dead Celebrities.
And since it has now become a staple in any Mime Rifle Production, I felt it was needed in 'Confessions'

Not much else to tell you except I was thinking about it today, and it made me smile.
I called Lisa and James the other night in hopes that their newborn Annie had developed the ability to talk on the phone(no such luck) and asked if Lisa knew where the Hoe-Saw was. She said it was still in the back of her car since I used it last Summer for Recently Dead Celebrities.
Aside from her apparent hatred for cleaning out her car, I was happy I didn't have to buy another Hoe (Garden tool) or another Saw(cutting tool). Actually, I borrowed the Hoe(garden) from my Sister(Biological). in 2004 when I did JAWS for the first time. She keeps asking for it.
Ahh well. She is a donor to the arts.

So the Hoe-Saw stays in the picture.

On a side note, I tried to watch a hidden disc in my season 2 of Hercules last night.
I never even noticed it. it was in a separate sleeve in a pocket in the back of the set. It only had the word "surprise" written on it. I could only assume it was a personal message from my main man Kevin Sorbo. It was not. The disc had a label on the top. It was a 60 minute interview with Rob Tapert, the main producer. As well as Kevin Sorbo's interview on Regis and Kathy Lee. And some outtakes.
I was all shades of excited, but when I put it in my dvd player, it didn't read. The fury I had for about 20 minutes was close to that of a Supernova confined to the dimensions of my room.
So to calm myself down, I started watching Season 5.
I know what you are saying to yourself: "Why is he jumping around so much? Why not watch it chronologically?"

It would take me a solid month to do that, people. And I have Fringe on the Brain. Hercules is something I allow myself to watch instead of eat Ice cream or write bad poetry.

And I have written some REALLY BAD POETRY. Hercules is a form of Public Service.
And it is a dirty little secret I will only delve into in my blogs. I trust you people, I really do.

What else? I have no idea. I leave in less than one week for Indy. I'm driving down with Jason, who is one of the cast. He plays the 'Loveable Simpleton' And he has a mohawk. Ladies are gonna love him.

This has become a rather boring post. I apologize. Not much to report. Here is something exciting that we can pretend happened to me just this morning:

Ok. So I woke up to the sound of gunfire in the alley behind my house. It was only 4AM, so it was still dark. Thankfully, I was sleeping in my ninja costume.
For those of you who know me, i sleep with weapons all over my room. They are scattered all over. I am trying to make space on the wall for them all, but I am busy. Home decor will have to wait. I grab my favourite sword and slip silently out into the backyard. The yard is overgrown with raspberry bushes and vines. It's all very pretty, but there is not time to admire the greenery. I have to deal with these guns. These guns and the people shooting them.
As I turn the corner, a motorcycle speeds past me. it's one of those 'ninja' bikes. I think they are silly. I call them 'Crotch Rockets' but I didn't make that term up. I look back to see what the motorcycle is fleeing from, and I see that it is a group of those Mormon kids who ride bikes and wear ties. Only it is like about a hundred of them. All piled up dead next to my dumpster. I'm pissed because of the senseless loss of life, mildly amused because the image is something I have thought of for a while. Never so many, though. Also, i know that i will be charged like $80 extra per body because my garbage man is a prick and leaves notes on garbage that isn't tied up well. Seriously. He's a dick. So there is all these dead mormons, and I'll be damned if I am going to deal with them. I see that crotch rocket man is almost to the end of the block. i can run super fast because of all the genetic manipulation that the government did to me when I was a mercenary for 'Sector X' (another story altogether). However, i cannot get to the bike in time. I see a small electric skateboard leaning next to the garage door. Most likely one of the Mormon's. i never thought they could use electricity. Or that 'electric skateboards' even existed. I was lucky. I grabbed the board, and used my telekinetic machinery powers on the board (another one of Sector X's little gifts) I have the power to make machines run way better than normal. So I get the board going up to 500 miles per hour. I blast past the motorcycle man and stop at the end of the next block. I wait for him to come. He seems to be charging me. he knows I am the one who was gonna get screwed by the garbage man. I can almost see the smile on his face through the tinted visor on his helmet. What an asshole. He gets to about 20 feet of me, when i use my 'explosion power' on him. The bike goes boom, and he flies forward towards me. I catch him by the collar of his jacket. He is pretty light for a man. But it isn't a man. I pull the helmet off and see the most beautiful green eyes staring up at me. It's a woman?! How could it be? Why does she hate mormons so much?
"I am your wife from the future. My name is Awesome Wife."
But you have Blonde hair. I usually go for Brunettes.
"I had to dye it so you wouldn't fall in love with me too early"
Too late.
"I know. But I accomplished my mission. Those were not Mormons. Those were Cyborgs. They were trying to kill you."
Sounds serious.
"It is."
I should kiss you now.
"Yes you should"

"Awesome"
I know.
"I have to go back. In my time, you are about to address the interplanetary senate on why we have to switch to thermo-Solar-Neutrino-Molecular Power or the degradation of the Sub Atomic Science Thunder Device will destroy all life everywhere. I am to run your powerpoint presentation"
Then you should go.
"Yes"
What about those cyborgs?
"They will self destruct. And don't kill your garbage man. He is my father."
He's a dick.
"He's just seeing if you are worthy"
I see. Go then. Make sure I save the day. Just one more time.
"Nice to see you without the scar across your face from your battle with Evil Lord Patrick."
What? when does that happen?
"Gotta go. my temporal rift just opened. See you soon, Husband"
Bye, Awesome Wife.


I then went back to my house and slept before going to work at 3pm today.
At a coffeeshop.
I think I am not living my destiny. Maybe tomorrow. Also, I never used my sword. What a waste.


And so that was my morning. I hope your day was good too.

Till next time, Stay Awesome.

Andy

Always Bet on Black.

I wrote a line in my show that is a reference to 'Passenger 57' The Wesley Snipes movie form the 90's that I never saw.
I always meant to, but life and kids got in the way, and since Hera killed my family in a jealous rage over Zeus' infidelity, I have been traveling the Grecian countryside helping folks in need and battling monsters. I just don't have the time to see Wesley Snipes on a plane.
But aside form watching WAY too much Hercules episodes, I was drunk one night and decided it would be funny to pretend that all fringe technicians say 'Always bet on Black' It was a tag line for the movie. Again, I never saw it. I can only guess that they were referring to Wesley Snipes doing theatre tech work on the side.
Do you get it? Techs wear Black? Always bet on your Tech? Is this thing on?
I bet that I would get at least one laugh out of the audience with that line. I only bet a dollar, so I won't be out many dinars (Hercules!) if no one laughs.
But the more I think about that one line, I am starting to think that the success of the show rests on that alone. And if I have to hand over a dollar, I will be handing over a piece of my soul that I will never get back. And I will also blame Wesley Snipes. I will blame him so hard.
So if you are good enough to come and see the show, you will hear that line. And if you are really cool, you will laugh for hours on end at how clever I can be when I have imbibed too many Whiskey-Diets.

My show is going to be terrible. I just know it. Wesley Snipes? He doesn't care about Fringe. This is what you get for worshiping false gods.

I think I am feeling like a failure because I have been reading and re-reading the show in hopes of actually memorizing it before the 22nd (opening night). I am not very good an remembering lines. Last year, I got a script that we were doing for The Fringe one week before I was due to arrive in Indy.
The show ended up being number one in the festival, but was panned by people who had never even seen it. Actually, it was panned by the person in charge of the festival itself. To my face, no less. And even though it wasn't the absolute best show ever written, people still liked it. We had fun doing it, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But doesn't being number one mean there was something redeemable about the show? And are you even allowed to badmouth it if you didn't see it? I am still trying to figure out that one. Wesley Snipes would have to agree, I am sure of it.

My job for the next few days is to read the show five times outloud to help me take it all in. You would think that because I wrote it, I would know what the score is, but you would be wrong.
I am a boy. We don't learn things well. Women will understand this.

I am fast approaching the one week till all the shit goes down. By all the shit, I mean i start the trek to Indy and see if people think Wesley Snipes humor is funny. Which it is not.

The rest of this blog will not have anything to do with Fringe. Or Indianapolis. Or Wesley Snipes.

I mentioned that I have been watching a lot of Hercules episodes.
I don't know why that is, save for the fact that it is hilarious to me. And who doesn't like goddesses with amazing cleavage? And really bad computer generated effects?
No one I want to know, thats who. And I bet Wesley Snipes loves that stuff too. Oops. Sorry.

There is about to be a poetry reading in my coffee shop. I only tell you this because I want you to feel the pain with me. There are only three kinds of people who are bad tippers. And they are:
1) Christians. The hardcore kind. the one who are so hardcore that a 'denomination' cannot be chosen. You have to be born again and speak in tongues. Trust me on this one.
2) Barack Obama supporters.
3) Poetry reading attendees.

I am pretty sure that Republicans should be on that list, but I try not to get all political in my writing.

Oh, on a Fringe note, I have decided that all of my house music will be Prince songs.
Viva La Minneapolis.

Ahh. The poets are here.

Save me.

Stay Awesome.

Andy

FRINGE MADNESS.

I feel like I am in a basement that is flooding and all I have is a paper cup.
Let me explain the visual, for I am part crazy.

The 'basement' symbolizes my life.
The 'flooding' represents all of the goings on in my 'basement'
'Paper' means a material made out of mashed up wood pulp.
A 'cup' is a container to hold all of the 'goings on'.
'I' refers to 'myself'
and I am definitely freaking out.

Freaking out because I am at work right now and it is earlier than 9AM on a Sunday.
Sundays are meant to rest. Says so in the bible. Oh! Speaking of Bible:
I received a birthday card last month from my Mom that made noise when you opened it. It played the Imperial march from Star Wars or maybe it was the main title. It's the one Vader struts down to in the corridors of the death star . Anyway, since I am not one to throw anything away (except all those jars of urine from my failed attempt at being an eccentric billionaire) I took out the sound card and placed it in my bible. That way, whenever I go back to church someday when I am trying to be some semblance of a good parent, I will open up the good book and make my kids laugh and laugh. And make the other churchgoers frown and frown. I am not worried. I think church is funny, and Jesus loves a good sound effect.

I digress.

So I am in full Fringe mode, and with all the stuff that comes with it, clinically insane.
The thing that most people don't realize about being an out of town group in a Fringe Festival, is that there are about 4 Billion people on the planet who don't give a hoot about you or your show that you worked so hard to get on its feet. Most of those people havent even heard of the festival, and think you are talking about decorative bits on ugly clothing from the 70's. Those are the people you want coming to your show. The ones who are not looking for deep, meaningful, insightful, beautiful, ful-ful theatre. Not me, anyway. I want the folks who like quick and dirty laughs who don't take themselves or those around too seriously. The ones who would vote for John Stewart if he were actually going to run for office. The ones who still buy happy meals to get the totally sweet car or the barbie doll just so they can give it to some kid who won't shut up at a restaurant. (I may be whimsical and happy go lucky, but I hate it when kids freak out at the sizzler)*
I like my comedy funny and dipped in chocolate funny, with a molten chocolate funny middle.
And I will never ever try and teach you a lesson during my show. Lessons are for Summer School, and there is a song that says 'Schools out for Summer' so technically, now is not the time for School. Or lessons. Or '80's songs. It is time for Fringe. And '80's songs.

I told you I was freaking out.

So my show might be pretty funny. I won't tell you the actual answer, you have to come see for yourself. For my Minnesota friends, it might be a bit of a hike for you. For my Indiana and Chicago chums, well baby put on your hiking shoes. Seriously. You should come. It's better than pie. And if you don't like pie, go to hell. Pie is Awesome.
Think of the title: 'Confessions of a Fringe Technician' Sounds funny, right? Looks like it may be the breakout hit of the summer? Hell yeah! I was going to name it: 'The Dark Knight' but someone had to steal my thunder. I suppose there is still time to write 'The Dark Knight: The Musical!' (Please don't tell me that would be hilarious. It wouldn't. It would end up being like those horrible 'Scary movie' rip off's. Trust in The Andy. Trust.)

Where was I? Oh yeah. I don't like those Scary movie rip off's.
Also, Fringe, while taking up most of my Summer: Not as bad as i make it out to be. In fact, I flipping love it. I love the people I meet, I love the process, I love opening night and the nervous energy, I love the after parties, I love how air conditioned the venues are, I love getting flyers for other shows (even though I complain about it). And I love other stuff.

What do I have left to do for my 2008 magnum opus? Here is a list. More for me, but you enjoy too. Let's get through this together.

- Finalize the house music cd's. not too hard to do, but my music tastes stopped in the 90's, so I am not only dated, I actually like Ace of Base.
- Get the flyers ordered. This will require a proof from Aaron Gwirtz (located in NYC [where they make Picante Sauce]) Aaron showed me the first version of the flyer, and it kicks so much ass. It helps having talented friends.
- Gather up all the costume pieces.
- Props! I need about 9 fake guns that do not look fake. and other stuff, but I need some stuff that will be pried from my cold dead hands. In a theatre kind of way.
- Earn enough money to make the trip to indy in a car. Those drink gasoline. Gasoline is a million dollars a pound or something. I don't know. I don't drive.
- Learn how to write shorter blogs.
- Programs? Aaron is handling that too. He is best.
- Somehow make people say they will come to see the show. And have them actually do it.
- Memorize the script.
- Sound effects. Crickets. Opera. Gunshots Oh My.
- Memorize the script.
- Buy over 200 juice boxes. If not more. (Don't you want to see the show now?)
- Memorize the script.

So there is a lot to do. And we have a rehearsal today at 4:30pm.
Keep in mind, I am doing the last performance of the MN Fringe show I am in called 'Waking in Minneapolis' It's at The Mixed Blood Theatre. 2:30pm. Go see it.
And after the show, but before as well, i am to make 4 more tee shirts for 'Musical the Musical'
See, I also make limited run tee shirts for friends who do theatre. In my Kitchen. Not that they do theatre in my kitchen, but rather, i make the shirts in my kitchen. Naked.
Not that I make the tee shirts naked. I go see theatre naked.
...
I think I have blogged enough for today.
Indyfringe, I am coming for your children. Please start spreading the word.
Join the Mime Rifle Productions facebook group.
Say you are gonna come to see the show on the facebook events page thingy.
Poke me on facebook, but aske me to be your friend first.
Oh, and don't forget The Monday Night Comedy Show tomorrow at 8pm
$3 gets you in the door (which opens at 7:30pm)
Lots of fun with Stand up and Improv and maybe some Karaoke.

Have a good one. Tonight I drink at First Avenue. You shall come, yes?

Stay Awesome.
Andy





* I'm kidding. I haven't been to a Sizzler in years. I meant to say a five star establishment like Perkins or Steak 'n Shake.