Sold to the idiot wearing the fedora...

Greetings and Salutations, my darlings of the Interweb.
I hope this finds you well.

I am suffering from some serious allergic reactions to the Planet Earth today.
It seems I cannot go for about 15 minutes without having a fit of the sneezes. And in those fits, i enjoy at least 15 sneezes each. That is one sneeze for every minute I wait for them to come.
Not to be confused with Sneetches, which I would rather write about. They may or may not have stars on their bellies. But my sneezes have no stars upon thars. Only 'Jesus Christ, these fucking hurt, please kill me' Written in big bold red letters. That glow in the dark. And are made of pain and evil. And Also, I hate sneezing.
But meanwhile, in the Hall of Justice, where Batman and Green Lantern are Playing a rousing game of Apples to Apples...

I went to a Police Auction yesterday.
I had never been to an auction before, and I thought I could bid on some confiscated laptops or old murder weapons.
While there were many knives and other tools of mayhem, I saw no laptops. It was so strange, i really suggest you go to one of the auctions if you are bored and want to people watch.
There were the occasional first generation ipods with no cords or software and there were digital cameras that were lacking the same. But there were also brand new toddler clothes and shirts that had random company logos on them. And golf club bags with only half the needed clubs to complete 18 holes. I assume they have 18 holes. All I know about golf I learned from 'Tin Cup' and 'Happy Gilmore' At any rate, the guy who bought the incomplete golf clubs paid almost $400 dollars for them.
And he also won the toddler clothes... I'm not kidding.
There were some exciting moments in the bidding where some people were trying to win a big tupperware box full of random crap. However, once the Axe and Hatchet Lot came up for bidding, I knew this was my chance to bid on something ridiculous. The Bidding started at $25 and then dropped down to $10. Still no takers.
But when it went to $5, I got what I call 'The Auction Fever'
I raised my number card high into the air, making the people I went with(John, Chris, Aimee, Lindsey and Mike) laugh at me.
What did I need with an Axe and a Hatchet?
I didn't. But I did have $5 to spend on them, and I wasn't going to leave an auction without something I could hold high above my head and yell 'VICTORY!!!!'
Then the bidding war to end all wars began.
Some douchebag wanted my Axe and Hatchet. The bidding went up $2.
That Motherfucker was not going to win.
$7 now? Fine, I went up to $9.
How bad do you want something when some asshat challenges you?
He countered another $2
The auctioneer guy was dividing his attention between us. The room was freaking out with all the electricity.
Did the Axe kill a family of five?
Was the Hatchet used to break a window in some warehouse during an industrial espionage raid?
All I knew was that I needed to own those two items that were duct taped together and didnt even come with a sharpening stone or sheaths.
I raised my card up high when it go to $13.
And If it were possible to shoot some sort of ball of tangible energy at the guy who thought he could beat me, I would have sent him flying into an abyss and lightning and thunder would be the orchestral soundtrack to my Auction Victory!
$13 and some sales tax later, I am the proud owner of 'Battle' and 'Molly'
Some may think that I will be starting that log cabin up North soon with my tools of the Northwoods. Or that I am going to begin a relentless killing spree that will send the Axe and Hatchet back to the evidence locker, only to be auctioned off again after the blood has been washed off.
Those scenarios are half true.
I will be going to the Northwoods. But I will be killing Bears with them.
So goodbye, Minneapolis. I am now a Bear hunter. I bid you good day.

Seriously, though. I have an Axe and a Hatchet. My empire will know no bounds.

Lindsey and Chris were the only others who bid on anything.
Chris got a couple boxes of comic books, and Linds got a Palm Pilot that may not work.
I feel that I really won the day.
I will post a picture up of my prizes later.

Today, Chris and I drove around the lakes and found ourselves at a garage sale.
I didnt have any cash on me, as Chris locked the front door when i was sitting on the porch and said "Come on. Let's go." Where are we going? "Around the lakes in search of adventure!"
How could I say no?
I did borrow two bucks from him and bought a disco ball for all those sexy dance parties I have in my room. I did almost set the disco ball down and grab a book about The Tower of London, but I have three of those already, and sexy dances are better Winter entertainment.

What did you do today? Or rather, what are you doing tonight? I hope you can see me dancing in my room, swinging my Axe and Hatchet wildly around my head, hoping that a Bear has the bad luck to try and interrupt me.

I will leave you with that visual.

Stay Awesome or I will 'forget' to wear 'Pants' during my sexy dance party...
Andy