These truths are self evident.

My Banana has a donald duck sticker on it.
I don't know why.
I have started to call Hostess Fruit Pies 'Snacky Pies'
Again, I don't know why except for the fact that they have never disappointed me. Not once. And so, they get a special name. Unique to me.
The pastries were not ready upon pickup today. I only tell you this because they just arrived.
And when the girl came in with the boxes, she scared the everloving shit out of me. I might have been a little embarrassed since just before she came in, I was trying to recite the preamble to the Declaration of Independence... Outloud. In a British Accent, because a lot of people don't think that the first Americans used to be British.
That doesn't mean it's not strange that I was trying to remember something I was forced to memorize in 5th Grade. Again, outloud. In an Accent. In a coffeehouse. Alone.
It just means I'm crazy. Crazy smart!
The scary lady from the Mortgage place across the street just came in and asked for Sugar Free Carmel syrup. I'll get back to the Syrup, but when I say 'Scary' I mean really sad and frazzled. All the time. She is always stressed, and never says she is having a good day. It's always something with her.
For example:
Me: Hi there. Hows it going?
Lady: I'm about to murder everyone in my office. Unless I get coffee. A big assed Venti one.
Me: You speak in terms of Starbucks, a language I do not speak. However, i do understand what 'Big Assed' means. So do need room for cream?
Lady: You are new here.
Me: I have worked here since December.
Lady: I don't see you.
Me: I am a shadow.
Lady: I don't talk to people all weekend. My Ex husband was a musician.
Me: Do you see me now? Who are you talking to?
Lady: Coconuts are natures laxative.
Me: The coffee comes to $2.13 after tax. If I could fly, I would only do it at night so the government wouldn't get me.
Lady: What?
Me: I thought we were playing the 'Say random shit' game. I feel we both won.
Lady: I'm almost 40.
Me: I am terrified of whales.
Lady: Most days I feel I am swirling in a vortex of nothingness, trying in vain to see the beauty of a butterfly.
Me: I call Hostess fruit pies 'snacky pies'.
Lady: Here is your blood money, Doctor. Keep the change.
Me: The change is 13 cents.
Lady: And your welcome for it.
(She then leaves, and I think about looking up the actual Preamble to the Declaration of Independence. But I don't.)

So today she asks for the sugar free Carmel syrup and I tell her we don't have any. Just Sugar Free Vanilla.
She has a mild fit, and tells me that half of us do, half of us don't.
I don't understand for a moment, and I pause, looking at her like a confused German Shepherd.
Then I process what she said and try to make her happy. Which I do, but remember, she is miserable all the time.
I forget where I was going with this story, but at least I wrote a little play.

Snacky Pie!

Ok, seriously, people: Carry cash with you. Like ten dollars at a time. That way, you don't have to use your ATM card for a can of coke. That is all.

In case you are interested:
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I love it when you read a blog and you end up learning. However, I did cut and paste this earlier in the blog for you to read later. This is what I was saying outloud before the pastry girl from Isle Bun & Coffee came by:

Andy: (In a British Accent)- In the course of Human history, it is important for people to stop the Political Bands that make them totally cool with each other, and assume that the powers that be, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of God entitle them, a pretty good respect to the opinions of guys like you and I Something something. Meow meow. Terribly important bits about things and such.
We hold these truths to be self evident that everybody is awesome in their own way and they should stop being dicks to each other because we are all the same, and we all deserve to live, be free and chase down happiness and have a good time. America.

ok then. Come to The Monday Night Comedy Show tonight. It should be good. Apparently it is a robot themed show. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope it brings people in.
Doors open at 7:30pm for an 8:00pm show.
$3 for Stand up and Improv.
If you want to read the RoboCop II page, please message me and show up at 7:30pm First come, first served.

Stay Awesome or I'll recite what I remember from a monologue I memorized in 1995. And it isn't pretty. I'm old.
Have a day.
Andy

ps- start commenting on this stuff. I need to feel read.